Source
r/OCPoetry•
adj8103

Listening

Feedback Received!

Your round eyes, water-lined with salty tears,
The way shadows fill the spaces between the stars,
Whisper to me the details of who you are.

Like the lurching, abandoned house on Paper Street,
Eclectic pots and pans collect dripping tales from lone souls,
But where do you go when it’s your turn to pour?

To me, to me. You come to me, divulging those
Painful memories. Let me hold you and lull you to peaceful sleep.
When we wake, find sweet dreams turned to reality.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4r8vvh/why_do_you_stay/
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4r7x7h/you/

Posted Jul 4, 2016, 8:28 PM UTC

34
Sora1499•

"Eyes are the windows of the soul"

Yes they are.

I like the metaphors you implement, and I think you have a good sense of rhyme and rhythm. This definitely gives me a feel of melancholy with the pots and pans "collecting dripping tales from lone souls" (very powerful image btw, I love it) turned around into a message of hope and comfort at the end. This is a very precious poem, very sincere.

My sole critique is the final line, it seems a tad sappy IMO and not as potent as the rest of the poem. But overall very good job.

1
adj8103OP•

Thank you for the critique. Looking back at it, I agree. I do think that I will be adding/rearranging/editing this to develop it, and that last line will definitely be changed.

Thank you so much for the compliments, also. :)

2
ShadowRevJ•

Overall, great job. I especially love the second stanza. The lines are so visually evocative and hint at a depth of meaning barely grazed. I do agree that the last line seems a bit out of place.

1
Theduke322•

The whole poem is very deep and brings forth many good emotions. The first stanza is my favorite because I like the descriptions and imagery used. However, further along in the poem towards the end I get slightly confused as a whole.

1