Source
r/OCPoetry•
adj8103

The Shadowbox

Feedback Received!

“The Shadowbox”

Your round eyes, water-lined with salty tears,
The way shadows fill the spaces between the stars,
Whisper to me the details of who you are.

Like the lurching, abandoned house on Paper Street,
Eclectic pots and pans collect dripping tales from lone souls,
But where do you go when it’s your turn to pour?

To me, to me. You come to me, divulging those
Painful memories. Let me hold you and lull you to peaceful sleep.
Let go of the shadows you hold to spill over the brim.

Teeming with sadness, but more with relief
It will cause the old house’s joints to swell and heave
Spilling ‘til nothing beside those stars remain.

With sails unfurled over this emptied shadowbox,
Catharsis leaves the hull light and souls lusting for life,
Buoyant at salty sea on a course for evergreen.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4rbxki/our_song/
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4rb82v/fluid/

(I posted this before under "Listening", and I used critique there to fix the third stanza, and I added two stanzas as well. )

Posted Jul 5, 2016, 11:14 AM UTC · edited

713
Augmented_Camo•

Beautiful. I loved the first stanza. The whole poem tells a very personal story and I found it very intriguing. I enjoy the last to stanzas as well, but perhaps choosing between the last two stanzas would make it conclude with more finality. This is merely a suggestion though because the second last stanza sort of makes the beginning of the last one a bit awkward. That being said the ending is still very satisfying, excellent work.

2
adj8103OP•

Thank you so much. I'm glad you enjoyed it! Reading it back, I definitely see what you mean about the last two stanzas. I definitely like the 4th more than the 5th. I'm not convinced to drop it entirely tho. I'll try to play with it first to see if I can make it better before I resort to that. Thanks again for the help, I could have read it a million times and never noticed that!

2
OnyxOctopus•

I love how you start the poem with salty tears and end it with the salty sea. I also love how the (sad?) tears become the (joyful?) buoyant sea that might take them to dry land. How the thing that could drown you could also carry you to safety. I would miss the last stanza terribly if you were to delete it since, in my mind, it completes that circle.

There is something jarring to me about the plurality of "stars remains". I am not saying it is incorrect, just visually & cognitively jarring somehow.

I think is a lovely poem.

2
adj8103OP•

I felt that bringing that to a full circle was important as well, and I think with some creative editing, I will be able to keep it, but also fix the awkwardness a bit. I'm thinking to edit the third line of the 4th stanza so it does not sound like a conclusion and it leads better into the 5th stanza. I have a couple ideas right now I'm trying out in my notebook to see which works best. It's funny you say that about "stars remains" as I read that line about 20 times trying to decide if that sounded correct. Ha. Inadvertently, it will probably lose that plurality in the editing for those other reasons with getting the 4th and 5th to flow a bit better. Thank you so much for the feedback. It really helped to have a second opinion on stanza 5.

2
OnyxOctopus•

It's my pleasure :) I hope we'll get to see the final edit? How does that usually work? I'm new.

2
adj8103OP•

I'm pretty new as well. I made my reddit months ago, but only got active when I found this OCPoetry subreddit. I don't know if this is the usual way, but I'll just drop a comment here with the edits so you can see it. :)

2
OnyxOctopus•

That works for me! Thank you :-)

2
adj8103OP•

Here's the edit I've just done:

“The Shadowbox”

Your round eyes, water-lined with salty tears,
The way shadows fill the spaces between the stars,
Whisper to me the details of who you are.

Like the lurching, abandoned house on Paper Street,
Eclectic pots and pans collect dripping tales from lone souls,
But where do you go when it’s your turn to pour?

To me, to me. You come to me, divulging those
Painful memories. Let me hold you and lull you to peaceful sleep.
Let go of the shadows you hold to spill over the brim.

Teeming with sadness, but more with relief
It will cause the old house’s joints to swell and heave
Spilling ‘til nothing beside those stars remain.

With sails unfurled over this emptied shadowbox,
Catharsis leaves the hull light and souls lusting for life,
Buoyant at salty sea on a course for evergreen.

2
OnyxOctopus•

Thank you for sharing this! I am running to a doctor's appointment. I look forward to reading your updated poem when I get home!

2
adj8103OP•

Cool. Definitely let me know what you think :)

1
OnyxOctopus•

I'm so glad you kept the salty buoyant sea :) I love that imagery, and the way it leaves me feeling like they are sailing away on an ocean of her tears. I think it sounds great.

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ThomasAndrewHitchen•

"Eclectic pots and pans collect dripping tales from lone souls, But where do you go when it’s your turn to pour?"

A line that made me go "mmm" and nod. I'm alone. That's weird. You made me go weird.

A wonderfully written poem with a subtext of hope. Poems should always contain hope. I enjoyed this greatly, even more so on the second reading where I could look at it more technically. I can tell this is the product of a couple of serious edits. Fantastic work.

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adj8103OP•

The weirdness is the best compliment. I've been working really hard at improving both my technical skills and emotive writing skills. Poetry is so challenging, yet so rewarding (both in itself and via sharing). Thank you very much!

1