Reflections On a Stormy Sky

Feedback Received!

A certain hue of heaven exists
Which floats above the dawn.
Bald silk beyond balled cotton--
But one shade colors all.

And like a plank of dull dun wood
Lying leafless in the storm,
Our minds are struck with formidable grace
And stunned, they try to absorb.

But between the hot July of the Earth
And the December in the sky,
The multitude of incomprehensible truths
Like stars in a galaxy lie.

And before I understand it has happened,
Drops of heaven cease their descent.
And although through my mind dampness percolates,
The earth all around me is drenched.

Feedback: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4rxwiz/oxidation/?st=iqego53d&sh=f7f35bff

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4rxjpq/the_song_in_the_forest/?st=iqehbiie&sh=e447073c

Posted Jul 9, 2016, 1:15 AM UTC

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_tarp_•10 yr. ago

Beautiful. Please though - formidable, incomprehensible, percolates. Take those words out and read your poem again.

GreedavOP•10 yr. ago

Thanks for your comment! I was beginning to think nobody would ever give me feedback on this one.
Could you clarify what you mean about those three words? Do you have an issue with my meter, or with my diction?

_tarp_•10 yr. ago

Honestly its a great poem. Probably my favorite I've ever read here so far. The first stanza is incredible . Its not your diction or your meter. Just the choice of words. Don't try so hard. Those "three words" take away from what you've written. They feel out of place ."But one shade colors all" That makes me rub my face and feel like I should keep going.

roughbeast•10 yr. ago

Love this! I agree with the previous comment about some of the word choices which I will get onto in a moment, but firstly just want to say the imagery in the flat two stanzas is really bold and beautifully painted for the reader. Very good! I personally would change the last two lines of the second stanza to "our minds, struck by grace. Stunned, they try to absorb." Personal preference, I like to see an image communicated in as few words as possible! Instead of "percolates" (although I do appreciate the imagery) try "drips". Again this is personal preference but I like the alliteration with dampness and drenched. But please feel free to ignore as I really enjoyed reading this!!