Source
r/OCPoetry•
emptybottle__

Imagination

Feedback Received!

I saw your eyes prowl into sadness//

While plunging through nothingness.

Like the dying flame of a revolution//

Seems hope dimmed from your vision.

Seeing you like this, I am not kinda used//

Wishing I could again spark your fuse.

But, who am I to do such action//

If I am just a blur in the deepest of your imagination?

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4sk20k/blood_on_the_page/

https://oc.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4sfurj/last_night_a_poem_about_the_night_i_attempted/

Posted Jul 13, 2016, 1:48 PM UTC · edited

39
Unintendo•

I'd suggest trying the piece without rhyme. There are phrases here like "I am not kinda used" and "to do such action" which feel awkwardly worded to fit the rhyme scheme. Concentrate more on getting the most punch out of each line, or if you really want to keep the rhyme, try changing the wording to get a more natural phrasing.

4
emptybottle__OP•

I see. Thanks for that!

1
howlowcanIg0•

Please completely feel free to ignore my comment COMPLETELY.

I personally think your meter could improve here. I've taken a stab at a 9 syllable first stanza 7 syllable second stanza for you:

I saw your eyes prowl into sadness

plunging through the nothingness.

the dying flame of revolution

Seems hope dimmed from your vision.

Seeing you like this, I am not used

Wishing I could spark your fuse.

But, who am I to do this action

an invention of your mind.

3
emptybottle__OP•

I'm practicing to enhance my poetry meter skills. Thanks!

1
howlowcanIg0•

Did you find this helpful at all? :-( If not, i'm really sorry.

2
emptybottle__OP•

Every piece of advice helps me in becoming a better writer. I really have to practice meters and related stuffs.

1
James_Rawesthorne•

It's clear to me that you have deep emotions expressed here, and i think that you've picked out some beautiful images to try and capture them for your reader. And, in my mind, that makes it a good poem. I think howlowcanigo (not good at reddit linking and such) makes a fair point, party of poetry's beauty is in taking a thought and wrestling it into order, or taming it with the gaze of your mind's eye, whichever metaphor you prefer (both terrible! Lol!) Anyhoo, i thought it was great. My tuppence: I'm feeling a story between two beings, and i can see a black cat's eyes flickering in the darkmess, and then flags on fire over a burning city. I'm not sure what is connecting these things, but i know it's something strong. I'd recommend trying to put more story in it, economise words, more commas and clauses to carry things along. But then that's just me, and as evidence that my tuppence is worth just that, I'd like to invite you to critique my poem too. No idea how to navigate you to it, sorry. Maybe click on my name, I've only ever made 2 posts so you'll find it. Be really harsh, but if you have to be incredibly harsh remember i love anything presented to me as a haiku :)

1
WillemSummer•

I'm pretty knew to the poetry scene, so I don't how much this is gonna help. I feel like you're trying to use a rhyme scheme, but it's not really working. I think all of your rhymes are pretty flimsy slant rhymes. I would try to either lose them entirely or get some more solid rhymes.

1
dysouric_eufouria•

I enjoyed it. The poem was consistent in its message. It could have been expanded on. But overall, I would say it had a good message, good use of devices, good diction, and left a lasting impact in your last line which is so much more important than people realize.

1