Source
r/OCPoetry•
Sora1499

Observation #1

Feedback Received!

Having no poems to write
Is like sitting on a bench
Counting birds, hoping one of them
Will do something interesting.

I made an effort to go to a quiet pond
Set with lilies
And other summer garlands -
But here I am,
Counting birds.

Feedback: 1~2

I hope this doesn't sound too much like Billy Collins hahaha. I may excise line 9 and I may split up lines 5 and 6 at "to go to..." depending on what you guys think.

Edit 1: Changed line 9 "sitting in a bench" to "looking at the water," which may in turn become "Looking out at the water."

Edit 2: Combined lines 8 and 9 and returned it to "sitting on a bench" versus "looking at."

Edit 3: I excised "sitting on a bench."

Posted Jul 18, 2016, 6:10 PM UTC · edited

910
neutral_enemy•

I can certainly relate to the subject of this poem; sometimes I go out somewhere thinking, "Alright, I'm the mood to write a poem, now show me something to write about, World!" This poem expresses that idea in a pleasant and down-to-earth manner, I think.

One question, though - in the second stanza, you "made an effort to go to a quiet pond" and then say "But". Perhaps I'm not understanding the contrast you're going for, since it seems you did indeed make it to the pond if you're "Looking at the water". Is it that you did get to the pond but it didn't help?

2
Sora1499OP•

Exactly. I thought I'd get to the pond and be super inspired to write, but instead, nothing.

2
neutral_enemy•

Ok, just making sure I understood you correctly. I think taking out the "sitting on a bench" part was a good call, as now the contrast is centered on "counting birds" (the mundane alternative to poetic inspiration).

3
Sora1499OP•

Yeah, I think so too. It flows a lot better now.

1
rolls_for_initiative•

I also relate to this poem :) Many hours are spent watching the "evil blinking cursor."

I think the first stanza is ok. The cadence and overall feel seem to be consistent with that you're trying to express.

In the second stanza, I think "adorned" is a bit overused in the natural mode. I get what you're doing here--but I think you can draw the frustration out of nature a little more.

I'd also consider removing "and" from the last line.

Thanks for sharing :)

2
Sora1499OP•

Originally it didn't have an "And" so I'll go ahead and change that.

Do you have any suggestions for alternatives to adorned?

1
rolls_for_initiative•

Perhaps something like "I made an effort to go to a quiet pond/set with lillies"

2
Sora1499OP•

That is more subtle. Thanks for the suggestion!

3
Brett420•

A true poet's poem!

By which I mean a poem that will probably be appreciated more by other writers. I love your style, I'm always impressed by the way you make "simple" look so good. This isn't so much useful feedback as just a compliment. But I know those are always appreciated, too. :)

2
Sora1499OP•

They are my friend :)

Thank you!

2