Source
r/OCPoetry•
walpen

Abandoned earth

Feedback Received!
mewing road       roiling chalk     rising clouds
plastic hawk      falling stars     dusty bones
concrete hart     concrete hart     concrete hart

mewing road       roiling chalk     rising clouds
falling stars     dusty bones       plastic hawk
wax feathers      wax feathers      wax feathers

mewing road       roiling chalk     rising clouds
dusty bones       plastic hawk      falling stars
raven earth       raven earth       raven earth

Postscript

The form is what I'm tentatively calling a "square poem". I've hosted an explanation of the form and a basic tool for composing them on this page.

1,2

Posted Jul 18, 2016, 10:41 PM UTC

66
adj8103•

What I like about this form is that reading it from different directions gives a different feel everytime. I think that is quite nice to be talking about abandoned earth in this form, because I often meander across forgotten fields aimlessly and come across things several times and in different orders. Interesting.

3
walpenOP•

Thanks. I think the freedom of reading is something I wanted to achieve, so I'm glad to hear this.

Ultimately, I'd like to bring that out further by enlarging these and displaying them as infinite tilings.

1
Gummyfail•

interesting, but the strength of the previous one was the unique lines

the "procedural-ness" somewhat diminishes the form (to me), which is sad, because again the 9th stanza is great.

The "falling stars" loses its power in its repetition, but that said I'm still acclimating to this form (i kind of want to try it out to understand it better)

plastic hawk/wax feathers is also a damn good moment

i would saw the weakest line for me is "dusty bones" I kind of want more of a Georgia O' Keefe skull

3
walpenOP•

Thanks, this is valuable feedback.

I've been looking for how far I can push the mechanicalness of the form. I think this might be a shade too far, but I'm still hoping for those perfect lines that will vindicate the restrictions. Regardless, your reservations are well placed (in particular, I am also unsatisfied with "dusty bones").

1
Gummyfail•

I played with your little program and quickly realized how hard this for is. Also "Stark White Bones"? maybe that'll work?

2
walpenOP•

Thanks. I like "stark white bones". I think it adds some missing metrical/formal variety as well as being a compelling phrase.

Yeah I think it is tricky. One thing I've considered that I've seen in Ghazals is homonym substitution, e.g. changing "iron harts" to "I run hearts" in one instance.

1