My journal entry today

I used to write in my journal more, but it's been over six weeks since I wrote last. I've been lurking here for a long time and have loved the distraction and anonymous camaraderie it gives me. I've never wanted to share anything from my journal before, but I wanted to give back since I've enjoyed reading about everyone elses' experiences so much. Here's the excerpt I feel like sharing:

"I don't have a lot to say. Nor have I in quite some time. My thoughts continue to spiral around an unclear picture of who I ought to be. I experience waves of guilt, dread, anger, emotional suffocation, and intense sadness, which I call "Eugene." I often feel them in that order, and the emotions typically subside within minutes after I break down into either sadness or rage. Of course there are outliers, and I have had some very hard days in recent months, but also days of freedom. There is an endless variety of triggers, but they all share a few qualities. I can be triggered by anything that brings up thoughts of self-improvement, future goals/stressors, perceived past failures, or when there are unexpected changes in my routine. I can often feel Eugene joining me before he gains momentum, and can warn [my girlfriend] (or not) and excuse or occupy myself. If he joins me during an argument, as he often does, it can be harder to get away before my thoughts and words are influenced. I'm unsure if the frequency or severity of his visits have changed in the past year, but I have noticed two significant changes:

My negative thoughts are becoming fainter and less specific, and I am experiencing periodic feelings of self that have been absent recently. Even at my most upset I am no longer feeling intense hatred toward myself, nor are my thoughts circling around past events and unresolved interactions. Granted I have not moved entirely past self-loathing and my perceived failures, but I am noticing a strong shift. What seems to be left are the emotions these thoughts generated, like a phantom limb pain for an arm of thought that is no longer attached. These negative thoughts have plagued me for at least the past three years, and while their emotions persist their absence feels wonderful. In the past years I have been SO SURE I was useless and lazy, and I'm just now starting to embrace that it's not true. I still cry a lot though.

Self-identity is something I've struggled with for my entire life, although I didn't realize the extent of my struggle until recent years. Among a few other factors, I think this missing piece was responsible for my descent into depression. I think with a strong self-identity I would have been able to withstand the other factors with my emotional state intact. Looking back at my childhood and adolescence, I can see where pieces of my sense of self failed to develop. I can also see how I have let what little identity I had fade with my depressive behavior. I must continually remind myself these are only MY perceptions, and that every individual whom I know holds their own view of me. Most of those views are more complete (and positive) than my own. I often fall into the cliché mental trap of comparing everyone else's highlight reels to my own backstage life.

So I end with hope. I am experiencing flashes of self, where I view myself in a positive light and know exactly who I am. The flash always fades away, but with diligence and practice I have hope I can get it to stick around. At least for longer. "