Story Time: The Heart-Attack Faking, Greek-God Worshiping, Batshit Crazy Airman

The Setup: An AF base in the south, a few years ago.

The Story:

So, I was a fairly recent graduate of pipeline, still a SrA. I met this female medical Airman- and she was just wicked gorgeous and exactly my type. We hit it off, and began a casual relationship. We'll call her "S."

S was involved with the Airmen's Council or Dorm Council or something of the like. One of her jobs was to seek out Airmen that spend a lot of off-duty time hidden away in their dorms and get them out on the town, even if it's just to take them grocery shopping that sort of thing.

One night, S and I planned on doing some grocery shopping and People of Wal-Mart spotting together, not really a date, but we both needed foods, and we both knew we could have some fun afterwards. Alright then. BUT- when I get to her dorm- she informs me that hey, if you don't mind, can this new girl in the medical squadron come along? She's a bit of a recluse, I don't know much about her, but as work ended, I invited her to go out with us.

I understood the point of the program, and I was more than happy to help a new, shy Airman out (I had a car, neither S or the new girl- we'll call her "A"- did) and agreed.

So, S and I proceed to A's dorm room. We knock, she answers. When the door opens, we're greeted by an incredibly strong scent of incense. I'm sure it's against dorm policy, but whatever. We say hi, I introduce myself.

She actually seemed quite... bold. Not really shy. She shook my hand strongly and simply said "I'm A." No pleasantries, ok cool, whatever.

Unfortunately, I can't recall what she was wearing... but I remember it was something odd. I remember she was wearing a black t-shirt with a picture of a fish on it though. Not stylized, just simply a fish. Cool. Whatever.

Well, as we're walking to the car, S is making small talk with A. A is giving curt answers- and is borderline rude, especially considering I'm going out of my way to give her a ride.

Then, suddenly, A asks S, "Are you sure what you're wearing is appropriate?"

S was wearing a skirt, because I uh... because science.

Now, it wasn't like, a mini-skirt or anything...it was like a sundress-length skirt, perhaps slightly shorter than that.

I just smirk at S, as I know this is going to be an interesting night.

S explains to A that she doesn't think it's inappropriate at all, even on base around crusty old conservative Chiefs, she's comfortable in it, and.. yeah. A responds simply with "Oh." The rest of the walk seemed an eternity, but we finally got to my car.

So, S and I engage in some chit chat, drive off base. A pipes up after a few minutes, asks me if I'm SOWT, she thought S had mentioned it to her. I confirm that I am.

"Oh."

A few minutes of silence... S asks A- "So, you graduated BMT recently, what did you think of it?"

Here comes the good stuff.

A proceeds to respond with, "Well, what really resonated with me, out of the whole time there... was the AIRMAN'S CREED. Because...well, I feel like BMT truly transformed me into a warrior, and that makes my Gods happy."

My intense eye rolling quickly turned into a blank stare forward. S and I did a Hollywood-esque slow turn of our heads to look at each other , affirming with our eyes to each other that we, indeed, had just actually heard what A said.

I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, assume that she said "God" not plural, and I just misheard. Besides- there are plenty of mainstream religions that are polytheistic, perhaps she's a Buddhist! However, something about the way she said it... I just knew she wasn't referring to her Buddhist faith.

Now, please note- I understand that some of you consider the worship of one deity just as silly as the worship of many deities. And that's cool, I respect that. Besides, as I said, there are plenty of modern religions that are polytheistic. However, you'll see my shock was well-deserved.

So... for the time being, I glossed over the "Gods" comment. Instead, I went after the Airman's Creed comment.

I asked her politley- "I'm honestly wondering. Do you believe that BMT made you into a warrior?"

"Yes."

"So... do you think you're the same caliber warrior as say... a PJ?"

"Yes!" (she was starting to get a bit defensive)

So, we go back and forth for a bit. Basically I lay this out for her- "Look. At the end of the day, being a warrior is... sure, it's really a state of mind. But. In the context of the military... you need to have the training and experience to back that claim up. And honestly, you're taking away from those infantrymen, those JTACs, those SEALs that earn that title. Even then, at the end of the day... it's kind of a silly term that men in those fields rarely use. Being a quiet professional is what men in careers fields like mine strive for. Not running around talking about how big and bad we are. A true warrior shouldn't need to do that."

I realized I was getting deeper into this conversation than I cared to- implying to her that I gave a fuck about her opinion on this. Well, that did.

She starts SCREAMING at me from my backseat-

"I AM A WARRIOR AIRMAN BECAUSE I WAS MOLDED BY THE FIRE OF MY MTIs AND MY GODS. I PRAYED TO MY GODS EVERY NIGHT AT BMT AND THEY BLESSED ME WITH THEIR POWERS TO BECOME A WARRIOR AIRMAN, YOU CANNOT TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME!"

Seeing as I stumbled into a minefield of crazy, and not wanting to deal with bullshit, I quickly backpedaled.

I tried explaining that all I meant was that there are men and women who have engaged the enemy- and given up much more than simply signing their names on a line and completing boot camp.

This incensed her more. She began screaming about how I thought I was better than her because I was SOWT, and that she was just as well trained as I was, I just had a loner training pipeline.

I honestly didn't even try to refute that. I wasn't playing this game. Our first stop was the grocery store, and I park in the lot, as she continues screaming at me.

I park, whip around to face her, and finally lose my cool.

"Listen, A. You were just looking for a fight. You didn't need to get like this. You're the one who escalated things. So listen- if you honestly think that as a medical Airman, you are just as well trained as a qualified special operator, you're fucking delusional. WHat you need to realize, is that I respect and appreciate all service members for their sacrifice, no matter how small. However, we all have our jobs to do, and they're all fucking different. Period. That's all I was getting at. Oh, and by the way, S's skirt is fucking hot on her. And I'm gunna bang her tonight without even taking it off. Is that inappropriate enough for you? Now chill the fuck out and go buy some fucking cereal or something."

She's staring at me, blank face. Then she clutches her chest.

She howls in pain.

Her breathing becomes haggard.

S is asking her if she's alright.

At this point, even I'm concerned, talking softly to her, trying to get her to calm down, thinking she's having a panic attack.

Then, suddenly, A stops everything. She slowly looks up at me and, point at me, and growls, "By the power of Zeus and the Old Gods, I CURSE YOU!"

Silence falls over the car.

Then I begin laughing harder than I ever have. I'm done with this and her, but holy shit, that was the strangest thing I've ever had happen to me.

She begins clutching her chest again- the harder I laugh, the more she pretends to be in pain.

S is just sitting there, not really sure of what to do.

A opens the door closest to her, and slowly slides out of the car, onto the pavement. She's rolling around in the fucking parking lot.

People start taking notice, cars are slowing down... I'm done with this shit. Not standing around to explain this crazy person. I quickly inform S of this, and she agrees. I walk over to A- she quites down, happy to be getting what she thinks is attention- I just smile at her, lean over her, shut her door. I then tell her to find another way back to base.

S and I just walk into the store. A is howling. Literally. Howling.

After a few minutes, she comes in the store. She comes over to us, and I tell her that she needs to stay away from us. I don't care what she does, but she needs to stay away from us. Period. Surprisingly, she complies.

I then went and bought one of those grocery store boxes of soft chocolate cookies. S and I earned that shit. Ate 'em while shopping.

Best part? A went to her top to say I was.... I dunno, mean to her or something? I went to meet with said top with my top, along with S. We explained what happened. Luckily, A had acted batshit with her top, so we all had a good chuckle.

A got med boarded out or some shit, I dunno. Not in anymore though.

Fin

I have another story involving S (not A, sorry) and a Security Forces Airman that stalked her and eventually broke into her dorm room, and did suuuuper creepy shit, if anyone wants to hear that. Lemme know

EDIT: The story of S and the stalking SF troop