Story Time: The time I pantsed a guy during a search

Background: About 3-4 years ago, I was an A1C at AFGSC's finest nuclear installation, FE Warren. I had been perm'd from PRP due to some medical issues so I requested a PCA to base-side security. I worked the main gate for 8ish months straight during swings shift. I had finally proven (more like sneaked) myself well enough to start riding patrol. After a bit, I certified as one of the few A1C patrolman on base.

Newly minted and riding alone on my first day, (feeling super high and mighty and I'm sure insufferable) lead me to being Police 2. Everything is going great so far. Knocking out my checks, doing my selectives, other fuckery as a patrolman, etc. We get a call from our main gate. They just called about two guys dressed in black shirts, black bandanas around their neck, and a machine gun and pistols in the front seat. Well shit. I'm brand new and not prepared to deal with potentially armed and dangerous dudes on my first day. So, I flip code-3 and stop the vehicle with my SrA Police 1 and the on-duty MWD. We challenge the vehicle and have them hands up, lay on the ground, etc.

They identify themselves as comm troops and it's just airsoft guns etc. So I start searching one while my other unit searches the other dude. My MWD is overwatch for me and his dog is ready to go, red-rocket and all. As I start searching him, it comes to the part where I undo his belt and remove it. Unbeknownst to me, this dude was about 120 pounds soaking wet and was wearing XXXL sized BDU pants. So, as soon as I remove the belt, gravity takes over and this dudes pants start falling down. I'm trying to awkwardly hold the linking chain on the cuffs and also the back of his pants; a battle I'm losing very quickly. His pants slip out of my hands, fall around his shoeless ankles, revealing the most BMT white-tighties I've ever seen. Well, I still have to search his groin. So, gloveless (rookie mistake in not bringing goddamn PPE), I have to saw down through this dude's sweaty asscheeks and get a nice big hand of his sweaty dick and balls. The MWD handler is barely containing his laughter, the MWD is still red rocketing away, and I look up and see the other Police unit is staring at me dumbfounded. He had finished searching the vehicle and turned around to see me with this guy's pants essentially off and me grabbing his goodies. He thought I was literally giving him the long dick of the law.

So I march him over and sit him in the patrol vehicle, with no pants on still, with his buddy. I drain the entire bottle of hand sanitizer on my hands to try and feel pure again. Turns out, they were all airsoft guns, but a majority had no orange tips and from a quick glance from our gate, they looked real. So we call their first shirt and see what he wants to do. He shows up and his visibly confused why one his A1Cs is pants-less, but, thank the Gods, he didn't ask why. He takes control of them and briefs them to maybe have their toy guns in the trunk and not sitting in the front seat looking like a bank robbery movie.

For the rest of my time at FE, I never heard the end of it. Every guard mount exercise brief, my flight chief included "don't disrobe the person you're searching." Multiple times during exercises, I'd respond to my fellow flight mates with their pants around their ankles.

PSA: Always bring your goddamn PPE.

Tl;DR Got a call for weapons, ended up pantsing a guy during search and then grabbing his dick, all without buying him dinner.