Me-
needfully restricted;
italicized; parenthesis.
You-
a metaphor,
my simile
un-contained.
you
could
s-t-r-e-t-c-h
yourself
to
the
size
of
the universe
dear.
But I would still be quite lonely
So
S
c
a
t
t
e
r
Posted Aug 26, 2016, 10:14 PM UTC · edited
Have you considered long dashes instead of hyphens?
I think the first three lines are a bit weak compared to the following bits. The scatter could use some work, but that could just be a formatting issue(any particular reason it is one letter per line instead of a more haphazard approach?).
Minor problems aside, this is a pretty fun piece, and pleasant to look at without reading (I like the shape of it).
Yeah man, this is what it was supposed to look like.
That looks way better
Oh I always love reading poems that experiment with form/ placement of words on the page. My first small critique is I recommend " my simile un-contained" be one line, the half meaning/line break here puts too much separation between the two concepts, and thereby obscures the meaning.
My second note is that the "you could stretch yourself...dear." stanza doesn't quite do it for me, I think this is due to the reddit formatting restricting it to be left justified, I would recommend experimenting with the form there; it is truly lovely diction, and I love the s-t-r-e-t-c-h that enacts stretching, but something isn't quite there yet.
On a final related note, I would really love to see the scatter dwindle of to a different part of the page instead of going straight down, I feel like it would help enact the bitterness that I'm reading in this poem.
Welp that's all I've got off the top of my head, may come back for more comments later. Well done and thanks for sharing!
Hey man, appreciate the feedback.
I honestly spent about 15 minutes trying to get scatter to...scatter. Couldn't figure out how. If you or someone else could fill me in, I'd love to see that too.
Lol I wish I knew how, but reddit comment formatting is a mystery to me as well. I suppose it will just be something to do in a word doc.