Source
r/OCPoetry•
walpen

Ode to Loves Past

Feedback Received!

We swallowed one another in pieces of song.
My ceasing heart was still in the hollows of soul.
And your old traces taking the cold from my tongue.

I loved you then as might a small boy to a grilled
Cheese sandwich (dear, then I was a boy, O! and you
A grilled cheese sandwich). As it ever is so the will

Will falter; eyes will stray. On the side then I wooed
tomato soup who played as my blood in my bowls.
Forgiving angel! you who formed three out from two.

But I made one from three. For then I was enthralled
By doctors' scrawl, advising a ceasing of sweet
Cholesterol. Now she is but seen in Warhols

And you, my sweet are dead, as but bread and cheese,
Are pieced in two, and never the twain to meat.

A.N: Happy weekend, y'all.

1 2

Posted Aug 27, 2016, 12:20 AM UTC

913
Gummyfail•

This is one of the funniest love poems I've ever read.

O! And you a grilled cheese sandwich.

Fucking gold.

4
walpenOP•

Thanks mate!

2
throwaway_newagain•

Lol, this was good. I do think that the line about grilled cheese was a little weird, though. I know it's hard not to get super descriptive and write the full form/sentence with your words, but instead of saying grilled cheese sandwich, you could just say grilled cheese, or basically just remove words not needed for the reader to know what you are saying. It can really interrupt the flow of the poem :P I liked it X)

2
Sora1499•

I think he wants 12 syllables in each line.

2
walpenOP•

Thanks, mate.

As Sora said, it's partly to fit the meter and partly to draw attention to itself.

1
Sora1499•

I don't know what kind of meter this uses, if it is blank verse. Anyways I love it. The title is fantastic, the transition is fantastic, and the joke is fantastic. The melodramatic language makes this poem and it really does feel like an ode. Great job man.

2
walpenOP•

Thanks mate!, great to hear that the joke worked for some people.

I struggle with fixed meters that aren't iambic--this is intended as 3 iambs + 2 anapests (except the final couplet).

1
dmslyr•

1st bit - Seems serious. I think that some of the words are hard to decipher the meaning of. But speaks of love gained and lost. I actually get some food imagery as well - maybe because 'swallowed' is there. I get the sense that the writer is very old (author? sorry I confuse the two sometimes).

2nd bit - seems drastically more funny than the 1st bit. Less refined and more coarse, but still crafted in a way which is inclined to betray a large propensity of attention to detail.

3rd bit - I am now inclined to think that the poem is based on somewhat biblical imagery.

4th bit - More (biblical?) imagery which I do not fully comprehend.

5th bit - It appears to be a sonnet. With a fair bit of double meaning imbued.

End: I am not well versed in poetry mechanics. I should probably not be trying to critique this artfully crafted and meticulously put together piece. Thanks for posting on this subreddit.

2
walpenOP•

Thanks a lot mate.

I'll see about making things more straightforward--this is honestly just a joke poem about being literally in love with grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup at the expense of love sonnets.

1
RelaxThisIsOnlyATest•

That last line is genius...funny poems are hard to get right but you nailed it!

2
walpenOP•

Thanks mate

1
PelicanDeath•

I love this. The first and last line of the first stanza are really wonderful. I also really like how you wove the grilled cheese imagery into this. It's refreshing to run into something so unique. The line "I loved you then as might a small boy to a grilled" is a little awkward to me, though.

This also might be a personal thing because I'm not the biggest fan of rhyme, but I think you go overboard with the rhymes in the second to last stanza. (They are fabulous rhymes though. If you've got to rhyme, at least choose good words) It seems like the poem started serious and then ends in completely different way. I just think the balance of the serious and the lightheartedness is a little off in this.

1
walpenOP•

Thanks, this is helpful.

1