I'm a woman who violated other women's consent when drunk. Questions about resources abounddd.

Hi all,

I remember attempting to write this post 3.5 years ago--but I freaked out due to guilt/shame and closed the tab. It's been a long journey since then. I'd appreciate any responses y'all have to this long post.

Context: I blacked out during a camping trip my freshman year, due to binge drinking shitty whiskey. Woke up to find out I sexually assaulted another women on the trip, the specifics of which I'd rather not go into. In the following weeks, despite wanting to talk to the school about what went down, was silenced by the organiser of the camping trip (student in the same grade) "for my own good."

This incident is in line with smaller examples of me violating consent when drunk, which are sprinkled through my late high school and college life, focused towards women. (I identify as a queer woman, been into all genders.) Just know it's a pattern of behavior, despite how rarely I would drink in undergrad, when I drank too much, it could be harmful.

I recently graduated college, having run more consent workshops than I can possibly count and partnered with sexual assault survivor movements on campus as an ally--out as someone who has a history of consent violation who put a shitton of work into changing. In all, I feel like I've come to own my shit and take real responsibility for the harm I caused when drinking.

I feel like I've owned the "consent violation" part of the equation, but not the alcohol abuse part.

I still have a lot of questions, and more than anything, feel very alone in my narrative of alcohol issues. I don't have a chemical dependence, my group of friends and community are already very sober (fuck yeah kink community), and I typically don't struggle against urges to drink. I feel lucky in all those regards. Despite that, I feel a lot of anxiety in not being able to locate my story relative to other people's--that kind of perspective is really important to me for some reason--and find myself needing to defend the fact that I shouldn't drink. Friends and randos have dismissed the stories of consent violation as isolated incidences, largely because I'm a woman (I believe).

• Do any of y'all know of places where I can talk to other (queer?) women about alcohol issues that aren't focused on alcohol dependance?
• Of you all who have violated consent when drunk, how did you approach restoring power into the hands of the people you hurt? That is, beyond processing your own feelings of guilt about it.
• I feel pretty uncomfortable going to a church or religious-affiliated group to talk about these stories. I saw an atheist AA subreddit, but what other explicitly secular resources exist?
• After talking to someone who doesn't feel like my drunk behavior is actually out of line, I'm often left feeling like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, complicating my life for no reason, particularly because I didn't have a chemical addiction that noticeably reduced the quality of my life. How different is the conversation on sobriety between people who struggle with dependance versus are destructive when they drink? (false dichotomy, sorry)
• Any similar experiences from y'all?

(If any of y'all have a fetlife, happy to link you to my coming-out-as-consent-violator post there.)