It's been a long time, but I'm really nervous I'll still relapse.

It's my first time writing here, but I've been trying to abstain from porn/masturbation ever since I was a teenage (I'm LDS and very active), with varying degrees of success. I've been married for five years, and these have been my best years as far as overcoming these addictions. I haven't had any kind of consistent full-on relapsing problems during these five years, and I'm proud of that, but I'm still frustrated.

I don't know how long it's been since I had a "serious" relapse, exactly. Less than a year, but more than a number of months. I've probably had fewer than ten real one-time relapses since being married, and less now than a few years ago. It often feels like these problems are behind me.

But that's not true. I sometimes still play with fire, and I don't know why! I will just look at something tame, something not-so-tame, something really not tame, and then I'm verging on watching full-on porn. I hate this kind of thing, and I can go a long time without having a problem, but then one day I'll just find myself in the wrong places of the internet thinking "Why am I here??"

I hate porn. I hate how the women in the industry are abused, I hate the impact it has on our minds, and I hate what it does to my spirit.

I'm happy with the intimacy in my life. I'm more than happy to just be with my wife. My marriage is really healthy and positive. We are affectionate and kind to each other just about every day. We have a daughter on the way, and we're each excited out of our minds. So I just keep asking myself, WHY? Why am I still choosing the path that's not going to make me happy?

Thankfully, I have almost always (over the last five years at least) stopped looking away before a "true" relapse (leaving me physically uncomfortable, spiritually and mentally unhappy, and having wasted whatever chunk of time I just spent surfing for pictures). I work from home, so when this does happen it's a huge detractor from my time. Not just the time spent surfing, but the time spent getting my mind back on track.

I have talked to my wife about it a bunch of times, and she's so supportive and patient, but I know it hurts her feelings to think about me not just lusting after other women, but actively searching for images. She is amazing, but for her sake I like to bring it up as little as possible.

Any other long-time abstainers still feel like they are on the edge sometimes? What do you guys do to cope? I had a close call today, and I'm just getting fed up with it, which is what brought me here. Any and all encouragement, commiserating, suggestions, and discussion are welcome.

I think this is one of the most remarkable communities of Reddit.