loss of existence

Hey everyone,

so I want to start of by telling you a bit about my life the last six months. I've kinda been erratic, I turned into an alcoholic, nearly lost all my friends, lost my gf of two years about two months ago, just not a good six months. scaling back to the last few months, I used to always be afraid of acid, but since I was feeling really depressed since my gf broke up w me and I've heard how acid can help curb depression and help people who've suffered from it, I decided to give it a try, I was hooked. I took acid three times in the span of a week, it really helped me think differently about the situation I was in, success... not really though. I was feeling great after those trips, the helped a lot, so I wanted to see if it could help more, so a few weeks later (this is about two to three weeks ago now) I take another tab by myself, (I forgot to mention that the first two times I did it were with people, the third time I was alone, which I wanted, that's when I felt the most changed.) I had another great trip, not as eye opening but still nice. A few days later I take another tab w a lot of my friends, I hardly even tripped. now here's where I've started to feel lost.

After my last trip w all my friends I was experiencing what I thought was just an afterglow, that empty head feeling, but it lasted longer than usual, about three days, but at the time I didn't think too much of it. Still wanting to use hallucinogens as a way to heal, I decide to take just under an eighth of shrooms, by myself. I tripped sac, but didn't really get what I was hoping for, instead ever since the trip I haven't felt right at all. I've felt lost, so so lost. like nothing even matters to me right now, I've been having suicidal thoughts, which is completely not normal for me. I lack conscious thoughts, I used to sit and think, and now I sorta sit and stare, w little to nothing going on upstairs, it's like I have to kickstart my head, and when I notice that I'm not thinking it scares me, because this isn't me at all, I used to be so conscious, so there, so inviting of thoughts, and now it's nothing. I'm empty and afraid I might stay empty. it's been just under a week since I ate those booms, and it isn't my first time doing them, I did them last summer and didn't feel anything like this. I just moved into college this week and I think I might be dropping out this semester because I don't think I can do it, I can't focus on school right now, I think I need to find myself again, maybe naturally rather than with drugs, but how does one even find themselves originally?