DH Grows A Spine and Handles Venus Beautifully!

I am so proud of my husband! DH has made tremendous progress in handling Venus's manipulation tactics in a healthy and appropriate way. It's taken 5 long years to get to this point, but I finally feel like he is putting his relationship with me before his relationship with his mother.

Last week, DH didn't fall for Venus's attempt to guilt trip him over "only" visiting one day instead of the whole weekend. DH laid down a boundary with a consequence and Venus wasn't having it. So DH decided to call Venus to try to hash things out and salvage the visit for Sunday. Due to the many horror stories on JNM, we decided to record the conversation with Venus. Here are a few highlights:

DH: To me it was pretty clear that you were trying to guilt me, which you have done before, and then you denied it and just ceased communication.

Venus: I did deny it because I was not trying to guilt you. I don't recall doing it before but if I have, you know, [pause]. The reason why I texted what I did is you haven't been here in a long time. I was curious to know if you felt guilty about that. So that's why I asked about it.

DH: OK

Venus: And then you responded very disrespectfully, and almost like your coming is a threat to me.

DH: No, not at all.

Venus: Well you said if you guilt me again or do it again, I will not come. That's not a threat?

DH: I didn't feel like I was being treated like an adult, so I was letting you know. I'm trying not to use the word consequences, but that's really it though. I want to establish that if this happens again, that this is the result to expect.

Venus: Well the consequence of your consequence is disrespect and that you are treating me like a child.

DH: I don't think it was disrespectful.

Venus: Well, I think we are just going to have to agree to disagree. I don't think I did anything wrong. That's just the way I am.

...

Venus: I feel like you have completely changed your whole family outlook and I almost don't know you anymore DH.

DH: I can tell you what's changed is that since I've moved to [city], it's become apparent to me what my family expects and what they are willing to do. For the most part, I'm expected to visit often, and no one seems to be willing, with few exceptions, to contact me first. [Note: In the four years since we moved away, DH's parents have visited twice for a couple of hours each and the SIL's haven't visited at all]

...

Venus: I know you have a job, I know you go to school. But even with all that, [visiting me] is just not a priority to you so you know that's hurtful to me. That's your life and that's what you pick.

DH: Yeah, it is my life and I can't control how you respond to that. I mean, I don't think it's your place to choose what is a reasonable amount of visits for me.

Venus: No, I don't pick that for you, I pick that for me. It's just that that's the way I feel.

DH: OK

...

Venus: I just want you to know that time has flown by. There's a lot of changes going on and you have a lot of catching up to do if you want to have a relationship with your family. SIL1 and BIL1 have moved, you have a niece and nephew who do not even know you, SIL2 is planning a time to leave [the country] in a couple more months and Dad and I are not getting any younger.

DH: OK, I understand.

This is huge progress for DH...instead of saying what Venus wanted to hear and trying to placate her, DH chose to stand up for himself on some issues and didn't engage on other issues by just saying "OK". I know that there is still a ways to go for him and I'm sure some more difficult times ahead but I feel like we are on a really good path now. Thanks again for all y'alls amazing support and advice!