There isn't a point

Sorry for the lengthyness of my rambles.

I just don't know anymore. I realize I overthink everything, but I can't help it. Why even bother living if we all just die in the end anyway? I should focus on living right now but it's such a hard thing to do, my mind always wanders back to thinking that anything I do doesn't matter. I could die and yeah it would affect people, but they're going to die eventually too.

Why does how I die matter? If it were at my own hand it was my choice. I know I couldn't ever go through with it though because I care too much about my family and friends. I'm just sick of feeling this way, life doesn't feel real sometimes.

I tend to bottle up all my feelings which I know isn't healthy, but I've been working on it. I have friends I can trust, but I feel shitty for dumping things on them. I feel like I should just be able to get over everything on my own. I feel like a worthless attention seeker if I talk about my feelings and problems.

Sorry again about how disorganized and contradicting my words are.