Just a bit of a WASHington Post after i58

Hi

bainshie's forgotten the password to his account so he's told me to post this on his behalf

i didn't even attend the LAN btw

regards, zakkiedota

Two Wongs make a right at i58

Rime, who is yet to change his Twitter bio from "Possibly the greatest dota player the United Kingdom has ever seen", lost his first iseries in the last 4 this weekend, giving Wong "1chigo" Wong a rather large small prize. The gap made by the loss of Wong "wongtsons_wongter" Wong was filled by Jope "Goneors/Godors" Dope, but Team XENEX put across a Team XENEX a performance as they always do, having a little stroll down to the lower bracket, having a bit of a wobble vs. the 4th seed team, almost catastrophically losing two matches vs. the 3rd seed team, every game going on for at least an hour, until getting to the finals and losing 3-1 winning 3-2.

As Dr. Jason "Meep" Weedon duly noted after the final series, it seemed like CeX just had something missing going into the LAN, however exactly what was missing still remains a mystery. The majority of experts believe it could be linked to the continuing recession of Welp’s hairline, which may perhaps represent the lifeforce slowly seeping from the team. A small minority however believe it may possibly be linked to the recent disappearance of a local Chechen boy but such conspiracies shall not be further discussed here, as we only accept serious journalism with verified sources in this post.

Regardless, the Washington Post would like to congratulate Rime for his leaps and bounds so far this year, from being put in the bin at epic.EIGHTEEN, to sitting next to a bin at The Summit 5, to introducing some 7k Germans to the bin at i58. Surely more great things to come out of this up and coming UKDota star.

Congratulations also to TCA on their top 4 placement this LAN!

Also congratulations to Addiction eSports for taking the highest placement you can possibly achieve this LAN without beating anyone good. A solid performance this LAN lead them to beat well known teams such as: .

The team earned themselves a nice €300$, minus any fines they might have incurred by consuming alcohol, not being a role model, or losing.

W A R N I N G

Several members of the UKDota community have been contacted by an “Annie May”, attempting to gain their attention with lewd behaviour and strange language. If this person attempts to message you, they can be avoided with a simple response of “No”, and your safety will be ensured. It is believed that Annie May was an unexpected byproduct of a secret government experiment and this result was in no way intended. Beware, Annie May was a mistake. Please help to spread the words and tell all your friends to say no to Annie May.

CHOKE... CHOKE

Choke turned up to LAN conspicuously missing their star player, Daniel "920 "Arya “Gareth” .--" Ziraelly" D" Danny" Woodhouse, however despite lacking their usual threat of a Phoenix with a midas and level 8 27 minutes into the game, they still managed to achieve good results. While they were disappointed to go out after managing to lose a game to XENEX that Alexei Berezin himself could not have thrown, there was a silver lining in the form of the inspiring love story that captured the hearts of audiences around the United Kingdom. The dedication and devotion shown by Crysen to his Soul Ring in a 60 minute game knew no ends, soon to be immortalised in the motion picture “Sleepless in Birmingham” by the master filmmaker and director Jiwan “Water” Spielberg. The film details the loving exploits of Crysen and his Soul Ring, including saving up over 6000 gold to live their lives together, and then the heartbreak of the Soul Ring being discarded in the Roshan pit for the remainder of the game, only to finish with the tragic ending where Crysen was not actually able to carry a game about as heavy as Soup's wallet after Skint Mondays.

Looking for comments on the future of the team, we reached out to Choke Gaming management about their team's performance, but they were too busy punching each other and trying to work out if their org still existed for comment.

LAN Management details new plans for noise mitigation

After complaints that several sources of noise are fast becoming a bother for competitive LAN players, such as loud esports stages or CSGO players, LAN organisers are planning to issue an information leaflet detailing various suggested ways to circumvent the problem.

"We don't think that players have really explored every avenue for reducing the issue. For example, our pamphlet encourages players to consider asking team mates "Sorry pal. Would you mind speaking up and attempting to make that important remark regarding the enemy smoke ganking me in the jungle again?" when they are having difficulty hearing over the jovial chants of "NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE BB-B-B-B-B-B-BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAASSLINNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeee SHAKE MY FUCKIN HAND"" said a spokesperson for UK LANs.

"We believe this may have a much more profound effect than doing anything slightly sensible like banning all sub-humans from the event."

"Instead of complaining that you can't concentrate because Harambe's second cousin is trying to beat up a desk behind you, have you considered purchasing the Element Gaming Xenon 600 headset recommended by iSeries 4th placer 'Dommy Addict'*? Guaranteed to block out all noise that could pose a risk to you tilting in game.**"

* We could not actually find any endorsement from Andrew "Fowdall" Dowdall.

** Voice communication from Tom "Barguul" Cribster not automatically muted by this headset.

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Mercy Gaming STILL looking for a support player 4-5k.

Also just a reminder that James "Tin Can" Walrus is a blight on this earth and should never be allowed to play a game of Dota 2 ever again.

Thanks.

UKDota to hold referendum on whether Barguul stays in Team Anime

The campaign dubbed #bargxit has gained traction recently, with campaign leaders citing loads of benefits that won't really happen if Barg were to successfully leave the Anime union.

"For too long Barg has had to play under the utterly failing regime of Team Anime. Did you know every LAN Team Anime manager Thomas "Soup" Shaw pays approximately £0.00001M to Barg? If we managed to get Barg out of Team Anime, we could get Soup to spend this money on the NHS or some other fictional claim that we're going to U turn on immediately" said esteemed Barguul fanatic Nigel "Can't Barrage The" Farage.

"Barg needs to regain his sovereignity," said another bargxit supporter. "Actually I say stuff like that, but I'm really just trying to cover up the fact that I'm really racist".

Analysts have predicted that if Bargxit is successful then the outcome will be a lot of economic damage to Team Anime, the rest of Team Anime thinking Barg is a complete joke, followed by Barg not really leaving Team Anime any time in the near future, and then Barg just not really leaving Team Anime whatsoever, because the process is "far too complex".

Note: This post was produced in association with a man wanting to be known as "Meme Aficionado".