Actually good MIL - the story of the Angry Manatee and how she isn't a horrible human any more. Mental illness sucks. (TW, a bit of physical abuse, also a little long)

This story is not about Crabies, but here's a brief update on her/Aunt before we start:

My Aunt tried to get me to come to Cousin's graduation at the end of the school year across the continent, I can't go (I work at a college and need to be there for my school's graduation, we only get excused to see kids or spouses graduate), but I now realize had I gone I would have been surprise trapped in a house with Crabies for a week. Anxiety attacks from just thinking about that.

So I'm going to fly out to visit a few weeks after the graduation. Missing Crabies's visit.

As mad as I am at Aunt, I fucking love Cousin. I'll take a 10 hour flight to see her happily, but I do not plan to be stranded with Crabies for a week. How dare Aunt try to force that knowing what she knows.

DW and I are thinking about going NC with Aunt if she keeps this "faaaaaamily" shit up on Crabie's behalf. That's going to be 1,000 times more painful than cutting out Crabies, because Aunt has been nothing but amazing outside of this glaringly bad decision she's making. I will not allow anyone to reconnect me with my abuser. She's being too much of a risk there. I'm heartbroken and have been so stressed over it I'm pulling out clumps of hair (always happens when I'm under stress for too long) and my ulcer is acting up.

It sucks. I could use advice.

Okay moving on to a better story

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My wife's abusive mother changed her ways and has never been abusive since.

I met DW in kindergarten. We started dating in secrecy before highschool. Sophomore year Crabies bought the house next door to her parents house, so I literally shared a fence with DW after that. So I was over a lot... Like every day.

Before I had taken off the rose colored glasses about my own mom Crabies, DW (then gf, but everyone thought I was gay so they didn't know we were a thing) and I had a lot of issues with her mom, my MIL.

DW made me promise not to defend her against her mom when I moved in next door, because I have zero fear and am a bit outspoken. I had no idea how much of a challenge being quiet would be around what was to be my MIL. I actually began to fantasize about this woman's death after only a few days.

We used to call her the Angry Manatee (AM) because DW grew up in a whole world of torment by her mom's hand. She was a large woman, kind of sandy pink colored, and all she would do was float around in her computer chair, eat, and be awful. It's just a completely spot on observation, you would have to know her though. If you ever saw her you would be like "shit, that's one angry ass manatee!"

Some things were small, like refusing to let DW throw anything away, even kindergarten outfits when she was in highschool. AM was a hoarder.

AM also would do bigger awful things, like flip out for no reason (seriously, no reason) and would storm around yelling at everything. When that happened DW would freeze. If DW said anything, breathed too loudly, or god forbid she moved/tried to help AM would scream at her while slamming shit around, mostly screaming about how DW had a brain of a flea and couldn't do anything right. It was pretty extreme. DW cried a lot.

Then there was the "physical incident."

On one of AM's bad days she decides DW is getting a haircut. This was junior year in highschool. DW was not allowed to decide what her hair was to look like or when it would get cut. AM had to control every aspect of DW's life.

When the barber gave DW bangs (fringe) without asking AM it ended up with AM beating/slapping/scratching DW WHILE DRIVING. Because she was mad DW got bangs. Without her permission. Because that's totally a reason to beat your kid.

I actually took pictures of the injuries when she came to my house sobbing and let her know that I would report it if it ever happened again. DW begged me not to, but at that point I was done.

AM never struck DW again because FIL said he would leave her. FIL is the man I want to be one day, save for his enabling habits. Here he had balls.

A few years after highschool DW and I bought a house (I am bad ass with money and worked 5 jobs at a time... I wanted to escape Crabies ASAP).

So we were 22 and going through the process of purchasing a 4br 2ba in one of the worst neighborhoods. We chose that location due to cost, but also because I understood real estate trends. Our neighborhood is now highly sought after and our home value tripled within just a few years. Back then it was just our means of escape.

That almost didn't happen.

AM had been on DW about this decision. She was unwilling to help and thought it would blow over with an unsuccessful attempt.

Boy was it awkward when she found out that we were approved for a better rate than she could get.

So when we found the house and the loan was approved things got... Tense.

I had no idea how tense until AM told DW that she couldn't buy a house with me! In front of me! It was a command.

AM: you can't buy a house. prolonged angry "my word is final" glare

DW:stunned terrified silence

Up until that moment whatever AM said was law DW's life. I could see that DW didn't know what to do, and how afraid she was.

So I had enough of not sticking up for her in that moment.

MYRP (me): Actually, AM, we can. And we are. We have the money, our mortgage is going to be cheaper than renting (we live in a city where rent is a huge issue), and we have been approved. We are moving.

AM: mouth agape, stunned silence

I turned on my heel and walked into DW's room to help her pack.

Years after I finally dragged DW into therapy, where a therapist helped her face AM's behavior and learn that it wasn't anyone's fault. AM was just a mentally ill woman (the consensus is that it's bipolar disorder) and we needed to stop trying to apply logic to her actions.

After that day we told her "no" things changed though. Permanently. I think AM realized she was a giant raging bitch and that she was losing her daughter forever if she didn't change her ways that very day.

AM stopped trying to control DW. She stopped putting her down. She started supporting her, and telling people how amazing DW is.

Guys. When DW was hospitalized for 6 months AM "loaned" us 10k. I was able to leave my jobs and be with DW every day of the ordeal. AM actually stayed in the hospital every day as well, but left when we needed time alone together.

This loan was given to us many years ago. We have tried to pay it back but AM keeps telling us not to worry, and she would rather we take care of ourselves. She has done this with both of DW's siblings for much larger sums of money when it was needed. It's how she is able to say "I love you" to people she cares about. This loan has never been held over our heads.

AM also paid for our wedding when Crabies promised to do so and pulled out (ugh). I paid what I had been saving for it, and the wedding would have been nice with what I had saved, but AM wanted DW to have the wedding of her dreams. So she paid another 10k that was specified as a gift.

AM is a different person now. Sure, she still has bipolar episodes where she yells at FIL because she wants pizza for dinner instead of healthy food, but since the day DW didn't back down AM has been nothing but 100% supportive and protective of us. AM is even teaching me how to crochet so we can make DW a birthday present together.

When we visit we see how hard she tries every time. I honestly think she got some sort of mental help, because this is a different woman. AM is still flawed, but she is now a generous, loving, protective woman instead of a fucking monster. Sure she still struggles to behave around us, but her misbehavior has never been directed at us since we moved.

AM realized we were done with her behavior and struggled against her own mental illness to change her ways.

We have boundaries and have told AM "no" several times since buying our home. AM respects our choices and tells us how proud she is that we are her kids (I call her mom now, because she has been more of a mom to me in the last decade than Crabies ever was).

This was a woman I loathed and hoped would die. I am now grateful she is in our lives. DW has the relationship she always wanted, and I am glad for their relationship every day.

Mental illness is hard, but if you care about yourself and your relationships with your loved ones you get help if you can.

I fully understand that the AM I knew growing up was likely unchecked bipolar disorder, (she really is a classic example, I knew it in highschool since I've seen it in family, and DW's therapist echoed that theory several times) and we value the struggle she has made to fix herself and her broken relationship with her youngest child (DW). Not all scars are truly healed, but because of the effort I can honestly say that they are forgiven.

Had I not known AM I don't think I would have understood that recovery after abuse is possible in some instances. While I can't ever let Crabies back in (AM was never manipulative like Crabies, just awful up front) I am so happy that we have AM in our lives today.