I don't even know at this point.

I don't think I'm really meant for this. If I was I'd probably be a lot happier. But every night, without fail, I get hit by this wall of doubt. It can happen in the day too, just not as often. The doubt comes in all sorts of forms. The idea that I've annoyed someone, that they aren't really my friend, and are simply putting up with me. I hate that. Or it comes through the idea that I've upset someone, cause they don't reply to my texts. I know they've seen them, they're online. But I shouldn't be surprised.

I just really thought that university would fix all this. I'd make a ton of new friends. But instead I spent most of my first year in bed, without the energy or willpower to get up. I feel like I've failed, in almost everything. Everything I do is a stall, like an operation on a tumor. It might reduce it, maybe give the patient a few more months. But the cancer will always get them. Just like this will get me. And I'm so fucking sick of people telling me that it gets better. Cause I've been dealing with this for 4 years, and so far all it's gotten is worse.

I can't go to therapy, like it would help. I was born fucked up, and no amount of reiterating that to an "expert" will change that. I may as well leave the appointments open to people who have a chance at being helped.

And I can't go to my parents, I can't as much as be in the same room when anything deep or personal comes up. I know scarily little about my parents' lives, it's not that I dont care, I just don't know how to approach them.

I'm trying to find things to keep me busy, but everything falls away into pointlessness. What's the point in playing guitar if nobody is there to hear it?