My dad beat me with a bag of trash today, then used the garden hose on me as I stood in the kitchen.

We had been having a lovely day, getting along well, had just come back from grocery shopping and I was cleaning the kitchen before starting to cook. He is EXTREMELY controlling, has to have everything the way he wants it, he exhibits a lot of autism behaviors actually but he's never been officially diagnosed, not like he would listen to a doctor anyways. So, he got upset because I had moved some plastic bags and because I was reorganizing the fridge. He is very territorial about the fridge, but he also is forgetful/neglectful and leaves food to just rot in there. I JUST got done cleaning it out and washing it, and now I'm trying to keep it organized but it's not how HE wants it, so he gets pissed.

He started sniping at me and being passive aggressive. Then when he didn't get the response he wanted he escalated, starting to really yell at me and carrying on about whatever. I honestly didn't hear most of it, I was just tuning him out and continuing to clean. But I tried to tell him something and he just snapped at me to shut up. It was about a couple of documents he had left lying on the counter that are super important to him, so I tried telling him that I was sticking them on the fridge.

He took the trash can, put it on the ground between me and him, backed up and kicked it at me like he's trying to score a goal in soccer. I was just watching him tantrum, so when I didn't react he did it again. Then he snapped, he grabbed the bag of trash and started hitting me with it, my side, my head. It broke open and spilled all over me, and all over the kitchen. I was just standing there in shock. He went out onto the back deck and grabbed the garden hose, brought it in, and started spraying me with it while I was just stuck in the middle of the floor. I just stared at him, I honestly don't remember thinking anything beyond "this is an annoying interruption, I was busy."

He stopped and I just grabbed my bag and walked out, called my bf to tell him what happened, then my mom walked up, she had missed the whole thing, and I asked her to take me to the police station to make a report. I was just shut down, not feeling anything. Then when I tried to tell her what happened, it finally hit me that MY FATHER HAD BEATEN ME WITH A BAG OF TRASH AND SPRAYED ME WITH A GARDEN HOSE. So that's when the crying started, I felt so disgusting and belittled and demeaned and hurt. I had been so happy, I thought that we were finally getting a break, things were improving, we hadn't fought in a while, we had had a nice day together till then, and then all of a sudden this happens? I can't handle this emotional whiplash, this is what it was always like growing up. Everything is fine and then out of nowhere there's a huge meltdown and it's screaming and crying and hitting and then it stops, I get ignored for a few days or a week, and then it's like nothing ever happened and everything is fine again. And every single time, like a dumbass, I buy into it, I believe that everything is OK and if I just try really hard i can avoid the meltdown the next time.

I'm kind of numb now. I did a lot of crying at the police station, and afterwards. The police weren't very helpful, the man kept asking what I had done or said to make him react like that and didn't believe me when I said nothing, he also kept telling me that while I'm under my father's roof I have to follow his rules and do what he says, and that even though I'm 21 I'm still a child. I was just like OK? I understand that and actually agree, so long as I'm in my parents house I should follow their rules. I DO do that. I DO do what he tells me. I try my best to do the right thing, to keep calm and minimize conflict, and this is still what happens. Besides, I don't need a lecture on respecting my parents when all I'm trying to do is make a report that I've been assaulted. And the woman started telling me that I HAVE to go to college, why aren't I in a class right now? That I need to move out. OK yes, obviously, and I'm working on that. As for college, again how is that her business? How is it her place? What does it have to do with my report? And when I tried to tell her that I had a plan, one that I had formed with my mom and therapist and such, the people that are actually in my life and know about it and know me, she said i was shutting her down? But I was agreeing with her! It felt like I was a kid getting lectured by a friend's parents on manners, they didn't take me seriously and they didn't address me or respect me as an adult. The guy kept on trying to find holes in my story or push the idea that I had acted in a way or said something to bring this down on myself. I think he thought I was faking it, lying. He said "It's not like we can prove he did it", but I was sitting in front of him dripping wet with coffee grounds on my face and legs crying. He said at one point that I can't get my dad arrested as retribution, which is absolutely not what I want! All I wanted was a report, a paper trail, something to make it real, to make it a thing that really happened rather than another thing ignored and never talked about, never brought up, never apologized for. I didn't want it to disappear like that, I wanted to make it real.

For once, my mom has actually been wonderful and supportive. She calmed me down, took me to get changed, and now we're walking around the mall, having a nice time, having fun. She validated me, she told me that I didn't deserve it and it was wrong and unacceptable. She's stuck with him too for now, but for once it feels like she's on my side.

I'm kind of numb now, reeling I guess. I wanted to write about it though, to tell it and maybe have someone sympathize, understand. I'm so tired and deep inside, heartsick. I love who my dad can be, but I hate who he chooses to be.