Why I quit drinking

Hi there, I’m new here and on day two. I’m really glad to have found this group.

This weekend I had a bender that about wrecked the most important relationships in my life. Hell, maybe I did wreck them -- it remains to be seen how much the people I love can support and recover from my behavior.

But that’s not really what I want to write about. I wanted to get my thoughts “on paper” about how I got into this mess (again) to cement my commitment to quit drinking. Forever.

I’ve been drinking nearly every day for about 20 years. I’ve never tried to quit, but I’ve thought about it a lot. Here’s the biggest rationalization (i.e., the biggest lie) that I’ve used to keep drinking:

“It’s okay to drink in moderation.”

I can do this 95% of the time, maybe more. Prior to Saturday, I hadn’t been drunk in years despite daily drinking. In my mind, this made me “not alcoholic”. Maybe I’m not, who knows? Maybe it’s a just a word.

But here’s something that does matter for sure: When I take that first drink, I’m immediately walking along the edge of a cliff. Yep, most days I can walk it just fine. But I never know when that little slip is going to happen, that one where I didn’t eat quite enough, or I mixed the wrong two alcohols, or the drink was stronger than it tasted, or someone’s filling my glass again, or I started a little too early in the day -- the list of possible missteps goes on and on. It’s that moment where I lose my mind just a little bit too much -- just enough to lose the focus that’s required to drink “responsibly.”

After that little slip, it’s anyone’s guess as to whether I’m going to fall off the cliff entirely. You know the one I mean? That one where I keep drinking until I lose my mind a lot. Where I lose core inhibitions, my decency, my common sense, my judgment, my dignity, my sense for safety. The one that leaves wreckage behind, great or small.

The most deceptive thing about “drinking in moderation” is that I forget about the cliff sometimes, especially after months without missteps. But it’s always there. Absolutely nothing in that 95% makes up for the falls.

I quit.