i feel terrible about how i was before i got help

Hi everyone,

I'm really new to this so please tell me if this should go somewhere else. I'm really feeling embarrassed about all this. :(

Background: I'm bipolar. Been under the care of mental health pros for a long time but it has taken over a decade to finally take care of the actual problem (I was medicated constantly on a cocktail of all the wrong psych drugs since I was a small child) and it wasn't until I stopped taking all the meds entirely and stopped seeing a therapist that sh*t really hit the fan behaviour wise- but when I finally DID get help ,all the pieces fell in place.

I've been doing really well for some time now, and I've finally gotten the right combo of meds & therapy. Life is SO much better than it was before I knew that I was bipolar.

Unfortunately, I hurt people who didn't deserve it and damaged relationships that really mean a lot to me. I am in a better place than I was before, and the clarity that I've gotten from being stable enough for reflection has been rough. So now I can look back and I'm deeply ashamed and mortified and sorry about the way I was. There are some relationships from that time that are likely better off staying the way they are (over). But...I've got one friend who I really let down and I've been a coward and just avoided conversation for nearly a year now. I'm just so embarrassed, which is crazy because anyone who knows me IRL would be shocked (typically I'm pretty direct and open).

I kind of want to send an email saying 'I didn't know how sick I was and I never intended for this to happen and now that I'm doing so much better I'm just sad and sorry.'

For example, I used to drink wayyyyy too much and get into a state where I would just cry hysterically and feel so much pain and desperately try to cling to whoever was around to help and it really scared and overwhelmed some people. I've put on a brave face since I can remember (when sober), and so I guess it was scary for them to see how much hurt I held inside.

I never really remembered these incidents much after the fact but, a few in particular were just.. bad.

This is unusually inarticulate but I'm hoping someone will read it and that it will make sense.

Thanks everyone

TL;DR When my BD was untreated I really hurt someone, and now I'm so embarrassed I don't know how to start to say sorry