Struggling

It's been 6 months since we separated. I made the decision to finally physically leave, but he left me mentally years ago. The first few months were really hard adjusting to moving, helping kids cope and dealing with my heartbreak. The last month or so I'd been doing a lot better and starting to feel positive about the future. However I've taken a couple of steps backwards in the last few days and I'm really struggling. I suspect that he has started to begin pursuing other women, and while he has the right to do so, it still really hurts. I wasn't worth trying to work things out with, the numerous times I tried to get us into couples therapy or try anything different to get our relationship back on track. We were together 11 years and after only 6 months he's ready to move on. It is selfish of me to be jealous and heartbroken I know that, but god it hurts. It hurts that he is ready to move on. I truly think it will be years before I'm ready to move on, if ever, so to know he is out exploring other relationships guts me. I wasn't good enough, he didn't want to try.

Our first few years together were the happiest of my life. We were each others best friends, inseparable. We could spend all night just talking. Eventually in the last few years I was fortunate to even get a hello. I don't know when things changed for him, when he stopped loving me. It was so gradual.

He was so meticulous and measured in every step he took and decision he made. It would take him half an hour to choose an icecream flavour. It took him 7 years to propose to me despite discussing it and agreeing that we would marry for years earlier. For someone who always took things so slow, to move on so fast is painful for me.

I know these feelings are selfish. He has every right to date, to move on. I had as much to do in the breakdown of our relationship as he did. I was selfish, demanding, nagging. I am not an easy person to know, let alone live with. But he used to love me. And when he loved me everything else that was hard about the world was easier.

I'm just really struggling with these feelings.