[first post] NC Ndad still haunting me, just learning about my FLEAS and not sure where to turn on this sub with BPD

Hi all, first time posting and I'm on mobile so I can only say so much.

Some backstory:

I have a Ndad who I cut contact with a little more than a year ago. He carried all the signs of being an N- blaming me for things out of my control, giving me sole responsibility for the care of his children with his e/Nwife, excessive rules about where I can go and what I can do, discouraged my hobbies of reading and painting, made fun of my clothing, and fostered an eating disorder and issues with self-harm. Every conversation had to be directed back to him, even serious conversations- when attempted suicide at my NMIL's urging at 16, he said that he was sorry I felt that he abused me and that he was sad I wasn't grateful of how hard he worked as a police officer and veteran to put food on the table and even SEE my brother and I after the divorce. He was instant that he disclose how much he spent on lawyers to get split custody of my brother and I, and was constantly blaming my issues with him on my mother. even though i only lived with them part time and have had LC with them ever since, I am worried he will use his resources as an officer and knowledge of my SSN to look up my arrest record and address.

During my hospital stay I was diagnosed with, and treated for depression, heavily medicated, and it took me years to recover from my self-doubt enough to pursue a career in the arts. I am still healing at 22, and am financially stable after he used my only savings and immature bonds (that his father gave me) on a settlement during his 2nd divorce.

I still struggle with BPD- a personality disorder I now know has fueled my issues with drugs and alcohol. I continue to deal with what I now know are fleas- quick and sudden bouts of anger, sustained issues with eating and self-harm even though I have not been guilt tripped by my Ndad about my weight or appearance for about a year. It isn't destroying my relationships but I feel like I'm a sort of weird case for this sub, since I have a PD myself I have to take precautions as to whether or not I act on my self destructive impulses and it's been hard for me to rationalize my continued issues with trusting my boyfriend of 1.5 years and making lasting friendships.

Our last point of contact was a text message with a photo of his kids (who I raised as best I could before cutting contact) that said "they miss you, they are always asking about what happened to their sister". I was hurt but I recognized that the message was to guilt me into breaking NC. He said in our last phone call where I declared NC that I was letting his Nwife "have all the power" by cutting contact and avoiding their children because of her constant verbal abuse, her picking at my weight, and her accusations that I was wrongly influencing or hurting her children by supporting their hobbies and interests, and by fostering a healthy body image for the oldest sister.

I haven't found many resources on this sub yet concerning other ACoN with personality disorders themselves, does anyone else struggle with Fleas that feeds into a disorder like this? It is a symptom of my disorder that I feel disassociated from other people and alienated, which is exactly what my father wants me to feel... I'd just like some support and to ask if anyone else has BPD or self destruction because of their experiences.