Why do I have the feeling, this doesn't apply to me, when it clearly applies to me?

No matter how many stories I read where people highlight exactly the reasons that I don't think being trans applies to me, I still can't shake the feeling that I'm not like anyone else and this might be different for me.

'I thought it was a fetish' is a pretty large one. Basically I can't shake that feeling. If I could give you the short version of my history-basically my earliest memories are of wanting to wear girls clothes at 3-4, which became dreaming of being a girl by about 5, frequent dreams of getting forced to be one but liking it, frequent dreams of looking down at my body and seeing my penis fall off, by early teens crossdressed very occasionally if had the chance, discovered, became fascinated by, turned on by the idea you could change your gender, by late teens realised what seemed a perfectly normal heterosexual attraction to girls was not quite right, my first sex dreams I was a girl in, first time I mastubated it was to the idea of being a girl, when I was on the brink of losing my virginity I realised I didn't like it and the sensation I had been imagining all these years was actually the girls one, started looking into trans porn to try and figure out what my sexuality was, realised idea of being a with a trans girl turns me on, idea of being a girl turns me on more, and the idea of being a girl having sex/being with a man in any way turns me on the most.

Phew. I can literally never make that short. But all standard stuff? Right? Yet I still think, 'ye but I'm different' to all the stories I read.

I think it's because of this-ALL of the above took place and takes place to this day in my head. It's like this headspace reserved for this weird feeling I have always had. It never felt relevant to who I am as a person. And here's the hardest part- I very rarely hear anyone who was as happy or successful as a guy growing up as me. Here's the stuff that was actually happening parallel to all the stuff in my head-

Made my first best friend by time I was 4. He lived down the road and we were inseparable. Normal little boys who ran around all day and did any and every type of exercise/sports/games under the sun. I never had ANY, desire to play with girls or play with girls stuff. By the time I leave primary school I'm obsessed with sports and have already four members of my only and best friends to this day, we were all normal boyish boys who loved our sports, by high school we're starting to get attention from girls, me included, we seem to be liked and popular, I seem from the outside every inch a typical teenage boy, my love of sports is huge, my chosen sport is rugby, I'm good at it, I love it, I love all the strength, determination, physicality, sacrifice, that goes into that team environment, really macho looking stuff, by my final year of school I'm the captain of the team and a pretty well respected 'guy', still with the same friends, still with the same macho looking interests, still look just like any typical close group of teenage males. And then this feeling starts to interfere with my ability to have sex with girls and there begins the unraveling of everything.

Ten years later I'm not that guy anymore, not to myself, and not to my friends, I'm insecure and reclusive, I went from a leader to 'the one' in the group that all the others say, 'what are we going to do about X?'

And the thing is, I really liked me, the only time I ever feel positive about the future is if I think I can get back to being that person. Maybe that' why I feel different, it's that I have never heard another mtf trans person say that they really liked themselves. Was it just a perfect storm of circumstances that created this completely perfect life for me? So that whatever was hidden underneath didn't matter? Am I just a case where 'nurture' was absolutely perfect in repressing whatever feeling there might have been there from 'nature'?

It's like I don't need to BE a girl. It's that I just need the DESIRE to be one to go away. And yet I feel that desire so strongly on a daily basis it's overwhelming and suffocating. But if it was gone, I wouldn't hate being a guy.

It's these things that make me think I am just not trans. And it's a fetish.