Transgender. Torn and cannot win.

I operate in two states. One being an extreme, painful identification as the opposite gender of the one I was assigned at birth. These feelings are real and painful and come with a lot of great dysphoria. But on the other hand, more nihilistically, I am pained at the thought that I could be so torn apart by something so insignificant and meaningless. This side of me brings equally as much pain. I don't know what I'm expecting in posting this here, but I could really use some insight or another view point.