A long family saga plagued with addiction

** Not sure if this is the right subreddit, please help!**

I’m sort of turning to reddit because I don’t have anywhere else to turn to. I’m just looking for advice and coping techniques to deal with my family. ACOA traits fit me to a T. Sorry for the long post

My parents got divorced when I was 13. My father is an abusive addict who emotionally and physically abused my mother and us kids. He rarely held onto a job so I grew up in a very fragmented and generally poor way. My mom was a codependent for a long time but eventually left him and that stabilized our family for a while. My younger brother developed Oppositional Defiant Disorder based on our emotional + physical abuse which marks him to this day. I have general depression and was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I’m very protective of him because I was his primary caretaker since my mother worked 2 jobs and my father couldn’t be bothered with the baby. We received extensive therapy through the divorce and for a couple of years after. I haven’t seen my father since I was 15 but I get threats, long rambling emails and stalker-ish poems every so often. Like most addicts, one day he blamed me and threatened us and another he talked about how much he loves us. Whilst we still lived together he would often threaten suicide and blame it on me or on my mom. We had a restraining order in place for a while but still had to move a bit do to the threats, unwelcome visits and general fear he produced. I’m 22 now and the drama surrounding my father has subsided quite a bit but it still marks me.

Our extended family is equally unstable. My grandmother is very manipulative and narcissistic. She enjoys and promotes arguments and tension between her six kids and there’s often passive aggressive jibes thrown around. No one ever openly communicates their discontent. The oldest son doesn’t speak to anyone in the family because they speak to the oldest daughter who he doesn’t get along with. The oldest daughter and my mother ( the middle daughter) didn’t speak for 15 years due to disagreements between their husbands. Coincidently, both men are alcoholics. She is severely codependent and they often get into very physical fights. I lived with them for 9 months during college and it was terrible. I was put in the middle of their fights and it reminded my of my childhood. He often belittles and threatens his wife and (adult kids). My male cousin who I’ll refer to as R also suffers from anxiety. My other aunt is very selfish which causes a great deal of tension. She tries very hard to create this image of a “normal” family and refuses to give her kids psychological help. She loves putting down her nieces and nephews in an effort to make her kids seem better by comparison. The middle son, my other uncle is selfish and narcissistic, only turning to his siblings when he got divorced and lost a lot of money and immediately after he got married in secret and we have not seen him for 9 months. The youngest son is relatively normal but he’s the only one except my mother who receives therapy to deal with the insanity.

I know this is a lot to read but I’m at my wits end. Ever since I was little I’ve been the mediator and I feel really burdened with trying to normalize and “fix” my family dynamics. I’m terrified that I will continue this cycle when I have a family of my own and it’s affecting my relationships with others. I don’t date or have many friends because I dread explaining all of this with someone else. Do any of you who have survived a dysfunctional family have any tips or resources? Sorry for the long post.

tl;dr My family is dysfunctional and many members are addicts. How can I deal with it?