I can't do this "recovery" anymore.

I guess I was never really recovering, just maintaining. Although I guess I considered eating that many calories as steps towards recovery. But it's just too hard on me mentally :( I've been eating 1200 calories maybe (before exercise) and the scales only been going up!! I went from 95 to 99 and it hasn't went back down. This is wrecking my mind even more. I can't do this anymore, I'm going to fast for 5 days to put a dent in all the progress I've missed out on. I want to be 85 pounds and then everything will be okay. I just want to be thin again.