He found old texts

I will open with I never should have done it. And follow with nothing physical ever happened. Office husband as I jokingly called him.

I am madly in love w my bf of over a year. We met on tinder. Praise tinder. At the ripe old age of 30.

For those who fancy Myers-Briggs, he is an infj, and I, the dominating female, am an entp.

The short version. This feeling, sensitive, depressive individual felt he was over his gf prior to me. Well, she tries to come crawling back about 2 to 3 months into our perfectly developing relationship. I find out later, backlash with poor behavior that he is learning about now, months after it took place. World has imploded.

The long version. He becomes extremely depressed, pulls away from me to some degree, and won't for the love of god, say it's her, the 8 billion times I ask. We get past it.

Ff 2-3 months...I look in his phone for the first time ever, because I'm convinced he's told his best friend/brother wtf he wants for Christmas so I can get some better ideas than a basketball hoop...and WTF do I find...

The texts, the phone calls, the g chats, and the the I-whatevers on his apple with his ex gf spanning about 3 months.

If you want to be scarred for life read, "I wish you had been pregnant, then things would have been easier" written to the ex in the midst of your relationship.

This mother effer.

I yelled. I proceeded to remove Every bit of my over night visit shit from his house.

He followed me, crying, pleading, begging, attempting to reassure that all that from the couple months prior, meant nothing.

Fml.

Eventually, in the immense heartbreak overload, I listened to his vmail, following the 800 unanswered calls that night.

He sounded awful. Like he wanted to die. Like he had never been, and could never be, more sorry and regretful and ashamed for anything he had ever done, or could ever do in his life.

At ground zero, we talked on the phone. Crying, for hours. Until he came over. And then we cried some more, together, like two big broken idiots.

It took time. In fact, it took approximately four months, for me to forgive and largely forget. I went through numbness, disbelief, fury, rage, agony, vindictive behavior, and finally peace.

The reason I couldn't just say eff off, I'll never trust you or believe a word you spin was, I loved him. I've never wanted kids with anyone, not even my ex husband of 6 years. Now I wanted kids. Now I had a best friend that I could have sex with. We had/have the love I'm sure many people aren't lucky enough to experience their entire lives. So, after some time, I chose to try and move forward. Because under all of the hurt, I sensed he was still worth it.

Now, that aforementioned vindictive behavior is what just exploded in my face, four plus months after it actually took place.

I had exchanged inappropriate text messages w a Co worker over a period of 3-4 months in this aftermath. My excuses: To distract me from my current state of pain, to distract my mind from falling back to his text logs, to distract myself from perseverating on the messages and ultimately causing arguments with my bf, and to make him pay. Tit for tat if you will.

For the past four months, I had been over it. We were over the moon happy with each other the vast majority of the time.

My stupid ass forgot that garbage was even in my phone, gave him my password, and like a prick said, "those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing." Thanks doctor phil. Your words of wisdom just rpg'd my real life.

Anyway, now he just cries. Now he just hates, but still loves me. He has no idea what to do, and isn't sure if fixing us is even possible.

I am an asshole. I was being a vindictive bitch while this was taking place. Meant none of it. There was never any intention behind my words. I know myself very well, and know I would never tread anywhere near doing something that hurtful to him again in this lifetime.

I don't know what to do. If I leave him alone, his thoughts eat away at him; and I can feel the character assassination taking place in his head.

I am grateful for any words of wisdom-especially from any other sensitive types.

This is killing the both of us, and I just want a chance to make it right. I just can't force him to grant me the chance to do it.

Thank you in advance...