My [24F] step-mom [55F] made me a custom wedding headpiece. She then decided to renew her vows to my Dad, three days before my wedding, and made herself an exact duplicate headpiece.

I'm getting married in one week! I am a very relaxed person, and luckily, even through the stages of wedding planning I have been able to remain relaxed, go with the flow, and let any snags roll off my back. All that matters is that I get to marry my future husband!

My step-mom, Karen, and I have not had a great relationship for my whole life. For example, I'm an atheist and very liberal, she's catholic and very conservative. When she married my father when I was 14, I was a mouthy lil atheist and we used to fight a lot about the issues that divided us. She has no respect for those who believe differently than her, so it was a bad mix. I have since grown up, and learned to pick my fights and keep the peace. We still have a somewhat rocky relationship, because she's pretty hard to deal with sometimes - overbearing and pushy is definitely accurate. She must be the center of attention at all times.

Karen is very crafty, and offered to make me a headpiece for my wedding. I showed her photos of an expensive pearl and crystal headpiece I liked online, and requested a few changes to make it custom and personalized, and she delivered! It is perfect.

I have had my wedding date selected for about 1.5 years, and while my fiance and I are financially independent, she and my dad are helping with money for the reception, they are paying for about 20% of it, we are paying 80% out of pocket.

She announced about 30 days ago that she and my father have decided to renew their vows on their 10th anniversary in Belize three days before my wedding. That might bother some people, but eh, whatever! I'm happy for them, and they'll be back in time for mine.

So, after they decided to renew their vows, Karen made herself jewelry for their wedding.

She made herself an exact copy of the custom headpiece that she made for me.

...Which she will be wearing three days before I wear mine.

That bummed me out, because she didn't ask if I wanted to match, and now all of our friend, friends, and my fiance will see her in the exact same headpiece as I have, three days before I wear it. Ha, ha, spoiler alert.

I went back and forth on it a lot, and I decided to tell her how it made me feel. I'm all about open and honest communication, and with tact being key. I wrote her a long text, and tried to explain that I was uncomfortable to wear the same headpiece back-to-back, and that I wanted to be up front with the idea that I would probably be choosing a different item to wear in my hair. I tried to be appreciative, and importantly: I did not ask her not to wear hers - since I have the problem, I figure I should be the one to shop for a different one, and not make a last minute crisis for her. Even though it was an item made first for me, based off my specifications.

Welp, she flipped out. I got a barrage of texts that ranged from passive-aggressive like "I'm sorry I ruined everything for you." to more snappy "Well don't throw it in the garbage, give it back to me." (I would never throw it away.) Her texts were clearly hurt, but she was very angry and rude to me. There were a lot of hurtful things she said, but I tried to remain tactful and apologetic for feeling the way I do.

She emphasized that I "better go buy a new one" several times, indicating that she was not interested in changing her plans to wear it, which I was expecting.

The next day, I went and bought a new headpiece, per her instruction. I like it even more than the one she made.

After I purchased the new headpiece, I got a text from my Dad, who listed reasons why I should still wear the headpiece. The list included an offer for them to delay releasing the photos from their ceremony until shortly after mine.

I worry that if I don't wear the headpiece, she will forever have the resentment against me. She is a very resentful person, who brings up slights/wrongs from years ago constantly. But now, even with the delayed photo option, that headpiece feels tied to a lot of hurtful things she said after I tried to explain I didn't want to match.

Am I way off base here? Should I wear the same headpiece to keep the peace?

Bottom line, tl;dr:

I am still uncomfortable in any way wearing matching headpieces in a weird back-to-back wedding ceremonies situation with a step-mom who I don't generally get a long with. Relationship shakey already; how to balance interests?