10 year anniversary of my early mission return/psychotic break

I was watching the most recent Mormon Stories about early mission returns and my DH asked if I would want to share my story if given the chance. All I could do was cry and say that I hoped my story would save our nephews and nieces from the same crap I went through.

I started having my first manic episode from the stress of the mission and couldn't sleep. The only thing I could do when I was up in the night with insomnia was read my scriptures. Eventually I realized that I was losing touch with reality and called the mission president to be taken to the hospital. Instead of getting me the immediate care I asked for he called Salt Lake and I got sent home after a couple of days. By then I was no longer just losing touch with reality but fully psychotic. Luckily I wasn't much danger to myself or others and was hospitalized. I still continued being a TBM for a decade, thinking that my psychotic break had been a blessing in disguise so that I would be better able to manage my mental illness later in life. It's only a decade later in leaving the church that I'm coming to terms with the reality and emotion of all what happened and seeing it for what it really was- a cost-saving measure.

I'm so angry that nobody listened to me or took care of me when I was most vulnerable.

I'm so angry that it could have been prevented with proper medical attention.

I'm so angry that leadership drilling 100% obedience into my head made me anxious and scrupulous.

I'm so angry that I felt guilty and ashamed for years that I didn't "finish".

I'm so angry that I can't do anything to reform the system.

I'm so angry that I can't prevent any of this happening to another missionary again.

I'm so angry that the church spends money on chandeliers and malls instead of taking care of the people they wound in the first place.

I'm so angry that my TBM mom and brother don't REALLY listen to me about how awful all of this was to go through.