Today, I once again know fear.

Everything was great at first. He wanted to make me happy. He told me all the time. I deserved to be happy. I didn't deserve the years of abuse and neglect that have plagued me.

I was so happy. Things were great. I didn't notice the red flags.

He had control over my money. I gave him my paychecks and my VA pension. But, like, I am bad at budgeting and money (thanks TBI for making me bad at memory stuff!) but it was ok. If I needed or wanted anything I just asked. Never an issue. I got everything I wanted or needed. Yeah, ok, he always wanted receipts, but he just liked to keep track of things!

He was really into gaslighting. I have been with men that were really into that so I recognized it right away. It was ok, though. He had trust issues. We talked it out a lot. He could just be paranoid. It wasn't his fault. I just had to be open with him.

And open I was. I talked about my past. My childhood. He learned my weaknesses. My buttons. He learned my triggers. A few weeks ago it started. He broke my hand in an argument, just by grabbing it. He was showing me how strong he was. It was ok, though. He told me I was acting crazy, it was my fault. Shit, maybe it was.

Until I couldn't stop crying. He had me on the floor. ONe of my kettle bells aimed at my head, telling me if I didn't stop crying he would use it to bash my face in. I couldn't stop crying. He laughed, and grabbed one of my guinea pigs. "I will fucking twist it's neck and kill it right now just like your stepdad did to your pets" Shit. I stopped crying. I cowered.

He apologized. See, I was the one being crazy. I was so moody, you know? I deserved it. He told me so. He told me, I am a waste of space. I am worthless. That is why no one will ever love me, see? Look at me. I am a defect. I can not be fixed. Even my stepdad knew what a dumb whore I was, that was why he starting having sex with me when I was 4.

Flash forward to last night. He was drunk. I had a glass of wine. He wanted to go to the bar, I was trying to talk him out of driving. But he did anyway. He came back an hour later. Yelling at me. Telling me I am worthless. Sick. Ugly.

Somehow we got to the backdoor. He got me in a chokehold. If it wasn't for my training in the army, I would be dead right now. I fought him as best as I could. He eventually body slammed me. My head hit the dryer. He was strangling me. I fought to get him off me. Eventually he grabbed a rag on the floor, and covered my nose and mouth. I fought and fought, but blacked out. When I came to, I was still fighting him. He let me get up. He told me to sit on the couch.

"Tonight is the night you die." He told me. He grabbed my phone from my room, and broke it so I couldn't call or text anyone. Luckily at this point, the neighbors had already called the police (we live in an apartment). I was trying to think quick. How to get outside. I asked him to let me go out to smoke. After some coercing he let me. And as soon as I got to the door, I ran. as I did, the cops showed up. And he was arrested. Domestic violence, strangulation, and disabling a telephone (all felonies).

Now I am in fear. I keep calling the jail to make sure he is still in custody. I spoke to the prosecuting attorney today, and she was very nice. I went to a women's resource center, and I am getting counseling and help to file protective orders and such. They also gave me a cheap flip phone with some minutes on it so I was able to contact people.

Did you know that women who are strangled by their partners are 7x more likely to be killed by that partner? I didn't know. And I am seeking help, and I am not going back to him. But I am scared. His family has money, they will post his bond no problem. I am sitting by the door with a knife in my lap. I can't shower. I can't sleep. Every small noise I jump. I check every 5 minutes to make sure the doors are locked.

I really thought I was passed this bullshit.