I'm mono (I think) and I've fallen in love with a poly person. Advice? :)

Hey folks! Warning, novel-length post ahead. I’m kinda verbose.

TLDR: I'm an early 20s female very new to polyamory. I've always found it really fascinating and liked talking to poly people about their relationships, but I’ve never wanted to actually be poly. In the rare cases where I was interested in a poly person I just shut it down immediately when I found out. However, I’ve recently fallen in love with a poly man and I want to make things work. We have a quasi long distance relationship that will last an indeterminate amount of time and I want to do my best to have a mature and realistic approach to it. If anyone has experience being poly coming from a hardcore monogamous background, I would love your tips. If I’m being brutally honest with myself, my biggest struggles with polyamory will be jealousy, trust, abandonment issues, fear of STDs, and the narcissistic/unrealistic desire to be someone’s one and only. I think my problems with polyamory are mainly to do with me and I need to work on them to make any healthy relationship work, not just a polyamorous one.

More details here if you’re interested:

I’ve always been monogamous. Unfortunately I have some baggage from my parents and past relationships that would make polyamory more difficult. My first and only official “boyfriend” was a pathological liar, cheater, and incredibly emotionally abusive. I believe and practice radical honesty, so I became pretty psycho and jealous because I couldn’t understand his dishonesty or trust him. I broke up with him and for the next few years I dated a lot, often casual 50s style dating where I openly went out on dates with multiple people at the same time and didn’t really go steady with anyone. Sometimes I got super into someone for a few weeks but it was usually more the idea of them. When I did have sex I demanded exclusivity, even in casual sex situations, mainly because of my fear of STDs. I’m so afraid of STDs I generally make anyone who wants to get near me get every single test before we engage in any fooling around. It worked out for a while to just date people who were busy like me and wanted to get laid until they found someone else they wanted to have sex with, after which time we would amicably part ways. However, after a few bad experiences with casual partners lying to me about other partners, I sort of just became celibate. It didn’t seem worth risking my health, happiness, and time for sex. I got to the point where I was pretty happy being single and would stay that way until I met someone I felt really strongly about. I had dated so much at this point that I know what I want out of a partner, and planned on being single for a long time until I found it.

Then summer came around and I fell madly in love with this polyamorous guy that was just in my city for 2 months. He also happened to be my temporary housemate. I was incredibly attracted to him and as hard as I tried, I couldn't avoid flirting with him. We both made excuses to hang out and 2 weeks into knowing him, we kissed while walking home one day. He told me then that he was poly and I made it clear I was staunchly monogamist, but we decided to start dating anyway because I'm stupid and we liked each other.

He was ok with being monogamous for the summer, but I knew I wasn’t letting him fully be himself, despite his reassurance. I am really glad we started as mono because otherwise we would not have dated. I'm his first openly mono partner and he's the first poly person I've dated, but we both are thrilled we met.

It was weird to go in 2 weeks from strangers, to roommates, to being like an old married couple (monogamous, living together, seeing each other every day, looking shitty, etc), but with him it just worked. We were inseparable all summer long. I couldn't wait to come home and hang out with him and when we weren't working we were hanging out together: going on cheesy dates, picnicking, camping, and sometimes just chilling in the same room and working on stuff together. It didn't take long for us to fall in love and by the time he left I was pretty certain I wanted to be with him until I'm old and gross.

The communication we have is far better than any relationship prior and I think a large part of that is due to his poly nature. We have crazy, out of this world sex and I love how I can tell him anything. I can be totally honest with him and he doesn't judge what I say or feel even when I'm over sharing. We discuss all kinds of nerdy stuff together and can talk for hours. He inspires me to be a better person and we're an awesome team. We enjoy each other and laugh whether we're taking out the trash or hitch hiking around a national park. I knew I was really in love with him when I not only felt comfortable being myself around him, but I also felt a desire to make him happy even if it meant doing something that scares me shitless (polyamory).

I want to be with him and I want him to be happy, but there are some major obstacles to overcome.

1. Distance: it is highly likely that I'll be unable to be physically with him for the next 3-5 years. I have big plans for school which involve living and possibly working in foreign countries. I just really want to experience the world. Neither of us believe in following someone around, no matter how much we love each other. We will be separated for an indefinite amount of time. We are good at keeping in touch and plan on talking even when we get into other relationships (especially in his case). He's been away for 2 weeks now and we talk every day.

2. Poly vs mono: On the negative side, I don't really see myself ever being actively poly. I could see going on dates just to have some company and exploring my bisexual tendencies, but I don't think that I could fall in love with 2+ people at the same time. I have zero desire to date other poly people and I don’t see that changing. Because I have sex exclusively for fear of STDs, I don't think I could be ok being with 2+ people that are fucking other people, unless it was a totally closed loop and everyone was tested. I would never be ok with a partner that slept around. I can be jealous and in relationships I need validation that I'm important to that person. Finally, I think that it would be hard to be a poly female just because slut shaming is still a very real problem and I feel like sexually liberated women are treated with a lot less respect. It was bad enough when I was casually fucking people…. I can’t imagine what it would be like if I told guys I’m in an open relationship.

On the positive side, I love him and want him to be happy. I know what it’s like to not be myself around people I love (parents, ahem) and I couldn’t bear to do that to him. I would be ok with him seeing other people as long as he is safe about it and doesn’t neglect me. On a personal level, I think being with a polyamorous person could possibly work out since it would be an excuse to not see him every day. I’m a super busy person and while I absolutely love the relationship, it can be really distracting. I almost use the relationship as a procrastination tool because cuddling with bae is so much more attractive than studying. When my SO is around I get nothing done. It would be nice for him to be off galavanting with his other girlfriend so that I am not tempted to hang with him all the time. I think that as long as the sex was safe, she’s a cool person, and it’s a closed loop of partners, I would be ok with it. I’m afraid of the initial shock of sharing someone, but my goal is to get to the point where I’m happy for them. I’m also really social and travel a fair amount. My career path and hobbies pretty much require me to be surrounded by people that often want to have sex with me. I think I would be hard pressed to find a monogamous person that would be ok with that lifestyle, but he’s down with it. I also just love the emphasis on communication and honesty that seems to be present in good poly relationships.

I made it clear that my long term plans include him, which means I have to accept polyamory, whether it happens now or when I can finally be in the same city with him years down the road. I believe jealousy and trust issues are really unhealthy, and probably a reflection of my relationships with assholes in my past and my parents. Obviously I need to work on that regardless, but I feel like in a monogamous relationship I’m enabled not to. He is aware of that and my fears of not being loved, abandonment, and being less important than other people, so if it is going to work he has to put in time to make me feel loved and important to him as he does now. Essentially: love me, be supportive, try to understand me, and don’t neglect me. I feel like that’s a reasonable expectation of any relationship.

We acknowledged that there is a possibility that I will never be ok with polyamory, which would mean that we would have to break up. I'm really afraid of that happening, but my desire to be with him and make him happy eclipses my fear of being hurt. If it doesn’t work out, at least I tried and I know something more about myself. I have a feeling that because of my history and the kind of person I am, it will take me a long time to figure out if it is right for me and there will be a lot of personal resistance and growth. However, my opinions have swayed drastically as I have gotten older, learned more about myself, and just taken time to process. Maybe this will be the same and the only way I can find out is by trying.

I feel as if, no matter what I do, it's going to turn into some polyamorous relationship as long as I am talking to him. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is how to handle it maturely.

1. How should I navigate this long distance relationship situation in the best way? Is a traditional poly relationship with rules and expectations better, or should we stick to just being friends? Is casual friendship even possible at this point?

2. How can I, as a mostly monogamous person, have a successful relationship with a polyamorous person? Any advice here helps: books to read, ways I can work on myself to accept this, managing jealousy/trust issues, etc.

I already plan on listening The Ethical Slut during my long drive this week and had a long talk with him about pretty much everything I’ve stated here. I’ve really just been erring on the side of being ultra open and honest with him - what makes me uncomfortable, my fears, my desire to navigate this well, advice, etc. I guess I’m looking for next steps after that. Thanks for reading and hope I didn’t bore you:)