I'm [21/f] not attracted to my [25/m] boyfriend anymore, if I ever was. He's one of the most amazing people I've ever met, and I love him dearly, but not romantically. Any advice would be appreciated.

I am a junior in college for starters. For both simplicity's and anonymity's sake, I will refer to my boyfriend as Dave. Dave and I have dated for around 4 and a half years, with a small break period about a year ago. I was 16 when we started dating, and had horrible self image/self worth issues. Still do, but I've got more life experiences under my belt to deal with it. Dave is a fantastic individual, truly, and I love him so dearly, but I'm not sexually attracted to him in the least. Rather unfortunately, he's largely overweight, and not my desired body type in the slightest. I'm no spring peach either, but it's less dramatic I would say. I'm attractive enough that I get some attention from guys here and there.

When we first started dating, I was just happy that someone wanted me. It didn't matter what they looked like. I was four months out of my first relationship, which was with a cute catholic boy who thought he would burst into flames if he touched my breasts, but I digress. I was still a virgin, and desperate to be touched. Didn't matter by who. So I jumped when Dave asked me out. Dear lord, someone willing to get down and dirty? Have at it! Quite a cringe-y time to look back on.

I hate even typing it out, but sex with him now, and for about a year has been horrible for me. there have been a few times where, while it absolutely wasn't because I gave clear consent, I was so uncomfortable I felt like he was raping me. HE WASN'T, consent was had! Just want to be 100% clear on that. I haven't talked about any of this with him, which is very unusual for our relationship. We talk about everything. But this, this is a level beyond any of that. This is relationship-breaking. How do you look at someone you love, whose emotions are so closely tied to yours, and say that they are so unattractive to you that you feel that uncomfortable during sex?

A couple years ago he lost a good 120 pounds, but even then I wasn't attracted to him, and unfortunately he's put the weight back on. I've been trying to delude myself all these years that I was attracted to him, and when that failed, I switched mental tactics to saying to myself that I'm not so shallow that looks could break our relationship. It fucking sucks, because I straight up do love the guy, but not really in a romantic way. When we were broken up for a few months a year or so ago, I had sex with other people for the first time in my life. These were people I was actually attracted to. In a sick way, I guess it's ruined me. Or made me better, who knows.

I'm sure a lot of you will tell me to break up with him. The mere thought of doing that again sends me reeling into a panic. I've grown so much with and because of him. That's 4 years of my life right there. I imagine the pain it will cause him, and it almost makes me throw up. It would be much easier if his personality wasn't so amazing. So.. I guess that's my situation. Any comments and advice would be greatly appreciated.