Source
r/OCPoetry•
eiwox

marked by the beast

Feedback Received!
every night
I deliver
my elixirs of 
false happiness
to weary travellers
looking for 
something more 
to live for
(and never find it)

their journeys
have turned them
into twisted apostles
of the monster of death 
they are accomplices  
in his quest for new prey
but who am I
(an insignificant side character)
to stop them 
from setting their necromancy sticks
on fire 
and summoning the beast?

tonight
he takes form in
creamy white tendrils
that soon clouds my mind
he commands me 
to surrender
my freedom 
and kisses me
hard

breathless
and burning
from an aftertaste of resignation
I cannot alter my own fat
it’s a prophecy of fiery destruction,
otherwise known as
just another typical day
at the inn.

[spoiler] (#S "This poem is a response to my new job where I work in a smoking-friendly bar and I wanted to express how much that sucks, when I choose not to smoke for health reasons but have to breathe in second hand smoke because I'm not in a financial situation where I can just quit the job to avoid it. I put this explanation in a spoiler tag because I don't know if that's the sort of message you can get from the poem itself and ideally I want the poem to be able to stand alone. Anyway, any advice is 100% welcome!" )

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4z1zdt/in_the_belly_of_the_kraken/

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4yqyir/its_not_you/

Posted Aug 30, 2016, 7:15 AM UTC

14
sapphxria•

Ok so this is really cool! But it could be improved by having the lines be a little longer. It feels like you drew some inspiration from Rupi Kaur but the rhythm isn't quite consistent.

I do like the language you used, particularly in the third and fourth stanzas. The first stanza, though, doesn't quite seem consistent with the rest. You're describing something completely different, with different vocabulary (false happiness, weary). In the second stanza, though, the travelers seem quite different. Instead of just being tired, how I imagined them, they're now summoning the beast etc. Maybe change their characterisation in the first stanza to make it more consistent with the rest?

This aside, I do like the narrative of powerlessness that this poem shows. If you could introduce it a bit more at the start it would make the entire thing more consistent- unless your idea was to show that the narrator is losing power to to the "beast" in which case you could mention that in the third stanza, and set up the strength and influence the narrator has in the first two stanzas, to make the loss of that agency more noticeable.

1
eiwoxOP•

thank you so much for your feedback!

I will definitely play around with it a bit more, you've made really good points here.

I didn't actually draw inspiration from Rupi Kaur because apparently I live under a rock but I have just binged her stuff and am in love, so thank you for introducing me to someone awesome.

I will admit that my first paragraph does draw some inspiration from Charles Bukowski though :)

1
faon612•

i devoured the first stanza – i love those last four lines. i agree with sapphxria that there is an inconsistency between the nature of the travellers in the first and second stanzas – going from passive to much more active. you could make them more alert in the first stanza or perhaps characterise their summoning of the beast as less of an active fiery ritual and more of a desperate succumbing/possession (i can't quite word what i'm trying to say!)

i wanted to point out too that i like the use of the word 'fat' in the final stanza. there is something raw and heavy and simple about the term that fits perfectly with the sort of medieval fantasy atmosphere of the poem.

1
eiwoxOP•

thanks & yes have been moving things around!

fat was a typo and was meant to be fate hahah but glad you liked it regardless ><

I really appreciate the feedback :)

1