Source
r/OCPoetry•
faon612

i

Feedback Received!

i
i want this
i tell myself as
you move your hands towards me.
i want this
i believe it
do i?
i am not broken - i am human - i want to feel you
i do.
feel me.
i am here.
come closer.
i part my lips to give entry to yours
this is great
i think
this is exactly what i want
i think
harder.
the feeling comes anyway.
push it down
i am not broken. kiss me
come closer. come closer
you snake your hands down and around and all over
this is ok
i am not
this is fine
i am not
broken
i swear

 

ii  

silent. sounds.
you, convulsing
i, silent
you, moaning
i, too, rather inside
moaning
don’t make me float away this time
but let me lift my eyes
please just
anything other than skin
to skin
tangling, i
am tangling
up
and far off
to drift and disperse a-gain
gaining what?
touch, one two three
i am not broken i am
oh god
nonononono i am

 

iii

i, silent
small and clean and wrapped up and
present and presently
i have never been smaller

feedback:
https://oc.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/509vtc/marked_by_the_beast/d72gzp4
https://oc.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/5097ti/at_the_door/d72gr2d

EDIT: Thank you so much for the feedback, i appreciate it all ever so much. it was great to read the encouragement and interpretations, and i'll make an effort to work on the criticism!

Posted Aug 30, 2016, 12:24 PM UTC · edited

47
lukadelic•

I felt a lot of emotion in this

1
Gcjrny87•

Overall I enjoyed it. I get the sense of the Narrator wanting love and to make love but deep down they are fighting the feeling that they don't love the other person. The narrator feels that they should love them. They want to, but after making love the narrator now knows it's useless and and lays there feeling smaller. Almost like someone realizing that they may be attracted to the opposite sex and doesn't know how to say it. Bravo!

1
yummyroastmeat•

I really enjoyed this poem, I believe that it was truly able to portray feelings of strained love. I enjoyed the style keep it up!

1
zombiemeow•

This would make great slam poetry. Your creativity in how you play with words adds to the overall effect of the piece as well (e.g., "a-gain, gaining"). Your style reminds me a bit of E.E. Cummings.

1
perfecday4bananafish•

Your poem made me feel like I was there. I experienced want, the completely forlorn hidden in an empty promise, and a painful separation from self made transparent by a desire for intimacy. Maybe you meant that, maybe you meant something entirely different, but I felt a little less lost after reading your work. Hooray for good poetry!

1
Gummyfail•

First of all great use of enjambment. Secondly, some of your phrase is a bit weird here (and not in a way that improves the piece).

Specifically, I am not happy with these lines:

i am not broken - i am human - i want to feel you
this one interrupts the flow while being a bit cliche, calling yourself broken is a bit played out. I forgive this when it was interrupted by the italics, because it's just a wicked sweet play on structure and voice.

i part my lips to give entry to yours
I on't even know what to do with this one, it's too clinical and awkward (and it's the only line remotely like that)

The Italics work in this really well. And overall I really like the piece. Thanks for posting

1
faon612OP•

thanks so much, i really appreciate the criticism and i'll take a look at improving those lines specifically, i can see what you mean totally. thank you again!

1