Very well done, I thought.

Although perhaps it's not the thing you wanted readers to focus on, I really liked the internal rhyming - apparition / ambition, profound/ground, for example.  It made me read it in ever-changing rhythms, and stick inside it the whole way without getting distracted.

Good imagery as well - I like "profoundly on the ground".

I also like the enjambment between "longer" and "as", and "face" and "and".  Line breaks are well done there.  Things flow.

Most importantly to me, I think you're faithful to the story, and develop the theme within it well.

I'm sorry that I don't have something to point out that you could do better.  I'm new to this. 

The last line pulled out some strong emotion elevated from the beginning. This is some good work! Keep writing, and keep trying to wake people up from their embarrassing slumber with it!


My ghostly apparition pondered empty ambition,

and the longing for material goods.

As I stood profoundly on the ground,

I cared not of my death and fear not of what yet is to come.

My earthly body imprisonment could hold me no longer

As my spirit gleamed to be free at last!

My only desire – To warmly embrace a familiar face

and tell them

Everything is not as it seems.

It all seems so trivial, when you become a ghost of a dream.


1) https://oc.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/5185b0/never_really_written_anything_original_or_really/d7a262r
2) https://oc.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/51835v/disgusting/d7a273v

A Dream