Source
r/OCPoetry•
GrizzlyRob97

On Some Thoughts Unexplained

Feedback Received!

I'm not sure about the title, could use suggestions. Anyways, thank you for any feedback.

Who thought ‘pick the fine stranger’
To lift her from a sad plight
Then throughout some thoughtful dark
Now to some thoughtless light?

And for her, such emotion
And with me, so much regret
For a thoughtful hour of mine
Ends thoughtless to all the rest

And why that fine stranger?
Why a stranger at all
If when up to a scared heart
The choice is run or stall

Why that fine stranger?
Her eyes, her smile, her way
Then why this thought at all
If such thought is so betrayed

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Posted Sep 12, 2016, 4:50 PM UTC

33
astronautabsinthe•

i love this. you can really picture the relationship/fling that the author had with the stranger, almost in snapshots of encounters and a full, bright adventure. great piece.

1
GrizzlyRob97OP•

Hey. Thank you for the feedback

1
gwrgwir•

I think the attention to meter and rhyme could use some work throughout - the former is inconsistent on the whole, while the latter nears ABCB but doesn't achieve it throughout.

Many of the lines seem forced/missing words to the point of being sentence fragments, and what punctuation is present reinforces this idea. The piece reminds me of Trans-Siberian Orchestra, notably their songs Who is this child (from the Beethoven album) and Old City Bar (from one of the Christmas albums).

1