Source
r/OCPoetry•
[deleted]

the diagnosis of my inner child

Feedback Received!
i sit amidst unspecials and non-funs
supremely sequitur agents of doom
who tell me constantly to grow up  
but in truth they are jealous the secrets
that lead to my supreme schizophrenia
my abandoned responsibility
my own inner slice of heaven amidst a sea of lecherousness

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/52n890/descending_the_stairwell/d7lsl6u

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/52lr4r/let_someone_be_your_delusion_of_greatness/d7lszr7

Posted Sep 14, 2016, 1:13 AM UTC · edited

128
jiiiveturkay•

Okay, I really enjoyed this. It makes you think.

My favorite line is "supremely sequitur agents of doom." Phonetically it is great but the words themselves, coupled together, made me pause and read it again. It's a great line.

My only gripe is with the last line but specifically the word "lecherousness." The word itself is awkward but is compoundedly so by being the last word of the line and poem. I'd recommend placing it before sea as in "admist a lecherous sea."

That's just my two cents, though. And maybe you have a specific reason and intention for that. I'm just positing. Good job!

3
ActualNameIsLanaMOD•

Hello, friend!

We're happy you're here! We appreciate your poem and especially your willingness to participate in the Feedback Exchange Program. However, we have noticed that the feedback you've offered is below the minimum standards of effort that we've set out as part of the Exchange.

 

Notably, this particular post has been flagged as a low-effort critique.

 

What do I mean by "low effort critique"? Well, you can go here to read the whole wiki if you want, but I'll summarize it for you. Basically, we require that linked feedback be a bit more than "I like your poem" or "Your poem sux lol". Feedback should benefit both you and the author by making an attempt to say why you liked or did not like the piece.

I'm not going to take any action this time on your poem, but please consider this a friendly warning and reminder. Again, thank you for contributing to r/OCPoetry. We hope you enjoy our community and become a vibrant part of our success.

 

~your friendly neighborhood mod, u/actualnameisLana

2
[deleted]•

sorry I will fix both of them.

3
iwinalot7•

I enjoy this quite a bit.

The use of Alliteration is very blunt and rolls of the tongue quite well

1
AllanfromWales•

I'm not sure you can get away with 'jealous the secrets' - maybe 'jealous of secrets' if you want to keep the rhythm?
'who tell me constantly to grow up' might be better as 'who constantly tell me to grow up'.
'lecherousness' was unexpected and not immediately obvious. Also,for rhythm, perhaps 'in a sea of lecherousness' rather than 'among'.

1
Squidbat•

Wow man. I can relate so much. This is so powerful, the lack of responsibility due to illness, the jealousy about it. That's so real. I really appreciate the sentence structure and the shortness of the poem. It just kinda goes "BANG" and makes a statement without avoiding the point. I really think this is a strong piece, and would be cool spoken out loud like a performance. A+, but I would suggest that maybe the word "schizophrenia" doesn't flow. Can you explain it minus that word?

1
[deleted]•

I put the word in to make the context of the poem obvious to 90% of readers haha. I agree it could have done without.

1
Gabatrong•

I really love your word choice in this poem... "unspecials" and "non-funs" make mundane descriptions make them seem like absolutely despicable people. I definitely agree that "who tell me constantly to grow up", messes with the rhythm and is a bit words. Perhaps you could go with something a bit more abrupt such as "GROW UP, they say" or something that gives us the idea without quite as many words.

Either way, your tone is great throughout the poem and really works well with the title of your poem, which is also great by the way.

I could see this as a series poem. Well done

1