Source
r/OCPoetry•
Alemsah

Infectious Desolation

Feedback Received!

Nobody was lonely as much as the guy who has fewer friends on Facebook than the country average. (Which was 140, if you are curious)

Nobody was agitated as much as the guy who is still waiting for a "❤" from his platonic lover… (Which was, of course, a love poem tweet without mentioning her)

Nobody was excited as much as the ex-girlfriend who turned off the WhatsApp notifications just to take her phone out again and again, to check if there are any messages from him. (no luck yet)

And everybody was alone, in the unhappy light of desolation that reeks from our screens.

1 2

Posted Sep 14, 2016, 10:50 AM UTC

25
ActualNameIsLana•

I get what you're saying here, but it's honestly a little too on-the-nose for me. You essentially come right out and say the point of the poem explicitly in the final stanza: "And everybody was alone, in the unhappy light of desolation that reeks from our screens."

The other thing I'm not as happy about here is the use of passive voice. Passive voice weakens your poem's delivery, and softens the blow of the emotive punch it's trying to deliver. It's an awkward way to talk, and it fails to deliver emotive content.

In summary, I think this doesn't work very well for me, start to finish. Easy thumbs down from me, sadly.

4
Gabatrong•

I think that you have an interesting idea about millennial loneliness, but the word choice and lack of figurative language was apparent and it therefore did not help support or enhance your writing. I think you should take this idea and make it more abstract. Give us an image to hold on to (you could even use that heart emoji or other emojis to reinforce your point).... Help engage all five of our senses in this poem and clean up the form and I think it will make a bigger impact!

2
Squidbat•

Wow. Speechless. This captures the millennial loneliness in an incredible way. The 140 friends thing, I totally feel it. It's so bizarre being a millennial today and existing in this world of constant contact, or, like in your poem, the other spectrum. I love this, I'm actually screen shotting it to show my mom. Keep writing, keep saying it like it is. I want to know more about the characters, I wish you'd expand but I love the length of the poem.

1
Gabatrong•

I think that you have an interesting idea about millennial loneliness, but the word choice and lack of figurative language was apparent and it therefore did not help support or enhance your writing. I think you should take this idea and make it more abstract. Give us an image to hold on to (you could even use that heart emoji or other emojis to reinforce your point).... Help engage all five of our senses in this poem and clean up the form and I think it will make a bigger impact!

1
Universales•

I think that you came out and said it instead describing it "poetically", however, this is just in my opinion. I like the idea although I have seen many poems based on this same theme.

1