Untitled
Posted Sep 14, 2016, 12:59 PM UTC
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it's interesting you used the wind instead of the tide.
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Yeah. I think there's a good reason for that, but I'd hate to cheat and spoil it.
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When I saw 'competition' in the first line I was expecting a stickied post ;)
I think I'd have been tempted to try to twist this into a haiku.
The weak line is the second one - I'm not sure what the poem loses if you omit it.
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Ha!
Thanks mates. You need the second line for the suggestion that the wind is a contestant (but I agree it could probably be compressed). I also wanted four lines so it wouldn't look like a haiku because the mechanics are different.
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You need the second line for the suggestion that the wind is a contestant
Really? To me "Sandcastle Competition/The wind/Won." strongly infers that the wind was a competitor.
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Yeah, thinking about it more, you're totally right
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If it was me, I'd give it the title 'Sahara', but that might not be what you're looking for.
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I really like the simplicity of this poem. You might consider putting the last two lines together, or using less capitals with each line. I get what you're trying to do with separating the last word onto its own line, but it feels a little awkward to me at the moment.
Thanks for your feedback. Yeah I totally get your concerns and I was not sure myself whether to capitalize the starts of lines -- I am worried about the piece being read too quickly but I get the awkwardness.