Source
r/OCPoetry•
Bored_Lyron

Creation is Dead

Feedback Received!

We huddle,
The ink-stained, the dirt-streaked,
The spreadsheet shell-shocked masses,
Empty executives, dissatisfied dentists,
A legion of unfulfilled laborers.
Hunched backs, but twinkling eyes,
Groans of exhaustion, sighs of relief.

 

A symphony of settlement, a chorus of good-enough,
And everybody sings. What else is there to do?
Sheet music provided upon entry through the door,
Taught the notes and melodies right after they sever the cord,
We strum the strings in concert, never daring to digress,
Everything’s easy this way.

 

It starts with silence, fragile calm, hesitant patience.
Muffled mumblings, itches scratched,
Restless feet shuffle, the main course impending.
Then, vox dei, a scythe cutting through the roof,
Light streams from the ceiling, cuts through the sickly coughs.
Among the arthritic throngs a gaping maw breaks through the floor,
Spits forth its scarlet tongue,
Splits the sea of self-loathing subjects,
Equator of ousted egalitarianism,
Primus Meridianus animus mortui.

 

And all are transfixed.
From menopausal mothers to fresh, fleshy fledglings,
Tea sippers, tragics, coffee drinkers, comedians,
Patchouli oil and gunpowder.
The new self paraded down the crimson carpet,
Eyes locked on the dances, the fashions,
the inside jokes and standards,
Not daring to avert our sight
Lest we miss something new.
What else do we have?

 

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/538tem/darkness_of_night/d7rb63y https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/537zdu/ode_to_the_cosmos/d7radh9

Posted Sep 18, 2016, 2:48 AM UTC

1420
lemonsandrosemary•

Very original. It may be a bit long to others but I believe you justified the length with passionate words. I don't like to give a number ratings on things, so I would say it is overall excellent.

3
brenden_norwood•

I really liked this one! :)

For starters,

spreadsheet shell-shocked masses

is one hell of a line. What I got out of this poem was a reflection on the human condition, and how we choose to value the wrong things as a coping mechanism for the inherent meaninglessness of our existence. I got this from the last stanza, which paints a crowd transfixed by dances, fashions, jokes, standards, the "new". The last stanza did a great job of building up to: What else do we have? Which I think is the main point of the poem.

The only feedback I would give, is to maybe switch up the title. I don't understand what "Creation is Dead" does for the piece. Is it saying that we are a waste of creation? Is it saying that nothing of value will ever be created because people choose to live sheltered lives of superficiality? By clarifying the title a bit, I think it would do a lot to make the poem even more powerful than it already is.

Fantastic work :D

3
joaquinrasta•

I actually like the title. It alone made me wanna read it

2
Bored_LyronOP•

Thanks so much for reading! I'm glad you enjoyed. You pretty much hit my purpose on the nose.

My reason for picking the title is that it references the "never daring to digress" line. People follow the status quo rather than forge their own path, and I thought "creation is dead" was an eye-catching title that began to get at that theme. But I totally see what you're saying; towards the end of my poem I get away from the lack of creation and focus more on the cultural phenomena that supplant it, so i can see how the significance of the title could be unclear. Thanks again!

2
shy_POET_mancer•

Like how you end it with a poem. It seems like an appeal to negate the title of the poem.

"We strum the strings in concert, never daring to digress, Everything’s easy this way." -- This is so true and love how you incorporated it in the poem. Great job!

2
Bored_LyronOP•

Thank you! I'm glad you appreciated that line.

1
InkBlotPest•

I've been drinking but I absolutely want to review this when I can form the response this deserves. For now, an up vote and a thanks for sharing. It touched me in a way I really, really dig.

2
Bored_LyronOP•

Thanks so much! I hoped it might resonate with some people, so I'm really glad you found it relatable.

1
InkBlotPest•

Your descriptions are the highlight of this poem. I caught myself starting and stopping the same few lines (especially in the first and third stanzas) because the images were so distinct, and each word relayed the idea of disenchantment in a new and easy to read way.

I love the fact that you started the poem with "we" because it places not only the narrator but also the reader into the crowd. It puts everyone on a level playing field, saying that this is something that the narrator speaks about from experience, but also expresses that this is all around us. We can see it, in the coffee drinkers and tea slippers and everyone who has ever felt too much "meh" in their life.

My favorite line has to be the first line of the second stanza. It was very oppressive. Everyone sings. Everyone knows the song. We're all a part of the chorus. It points out how, without meaning to, we can fall into these lifelong ruts. Very well written.

If I had to change one thing, it would maybe be the full line of Latin towards the end. I enjoyed the Latin because it required me to look it up and reflect, but I think having something a little more bite-sized in the second occurrence might let the poem flow a little more. "Vox dei" worked because it was in the middle of a great piece of rising action. I wanted to know why you might include that and it made me care more about the situation. Ending the stanza with it again took away, in my opinion, from that great stanza. Otherwise, I can't think of much I'd change.

Sorry for the delay, drinking and writing never works out well for me but I wanted to give this poem my true reaction to it. I'm happy to have read it and it inspired me quite a bit, even now coming back to comment. Thanks for sharing!

1
Bored_LyronOP•

Thanks so much for the kind words and the feedback on the Latin. I think it's interesting to incorporate because it's somewhat unique and, like you said, helps the poem to sink in more by having non-Latin speaker look it up. But i totally see what you're saying about the full line breaking the flow. I'll keep that in mind

Thanks for coming back to this thread a couple days later to give your impressions. I appreciate the honest emotional response and I'm glad you got something out of it.

2
Mysterious_Drifter•

Love the anti-capitalist themes. Reminds me a bit of OK Computer.

2
squirrel1235•

Having been hanging out in an artist colony out east I get the gist. It is hard to tell the poseur from the true thing. As though the clothes and in-jokes write the words and paint the picture. I think the concept was delivered well, however the ending is a little ambiguous to me at the first reading. Even though enough contempt was heaped upon the subjects of the first few stanzas that we should know easy art is the art they seek. I would maybe explore that last stanza a bit more after you look at the feedback. Pound the point home a little more poignantly? The first three stanzas may say too much to let the final point be made as profoundly.

2
Bored_LyronOP•

Thanks for the feedback. I definitely see how the final stanza could be made more resonant.

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

2
Bored_LyronOP•

Really glad you enjoyed it. I appreciate the feedback on stanza three, that's the one I wasn't quite as happy with. I'll keep mechanical and thematic consistency in mind for my future work.

I'm not from the Midwest, I'm from Florida. Did some of my word choices make you think that?

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
eltanko•

A bit heavy on the thesaurus for my tastes, however thats merely opinion. You construction and rhythm is good. I just personally feel the imagery is a bit verbose.

But I do like the imagery here at the beginning of your final verse especially "fleshy fledglings." I think the alliteration is quite eye catching!

Keep writing! :)

2
Bored_LyronOP•

Thanks for the feedback! I really appreciate it.

1
manicfaerie•

I loved this so so much!!!! I had a lot of fun reading this out loud, I could really hear the powerful effect of the syntax in accentuating monotonous tension when I was reading it aloud.

'Groans of exhaustion, sighs of relief.' fuck this line pretty much encapsulates the capitalist mentality, the ingrained 'work play' mindset.

'Empty executives, dissatisfied dentists' - the alliteration here is also effective in furthering a sense of hollowness

I love love love how you analogised obedience among the masses to a choir in the second stanza.

But I don't like the very last line 'Everything’s easy this way' in the second stanza... it's kind of weak in comparison to the previous lines.I think it would be really effective if the second stanza finished with a rhyming word for 'digress', it'd perpetuate the drab, yet accepted tedium further.

What were you trying to convey by 'fragile calm'? I do however liked the oxymoronic 'hesitant patience' as it heightens discordance in what is supposed to be a concordant, obedient choir. They are all obeying, yet kind of restless at the same time... so that contrast was really effective.

And what does 'Primus Meridianus animus mortui' mean? I couldn't find the definition on the internet

Also I love the way you built tension leading into impending doooooom with the arrival of the scythe. Is the scythe perhaps an externalisation of their internal implosions? Like their internal restlessness is being flipped inside out... also reminds me of revolt and inevitable collapse and destruction of a system due to discontentment.

There was quite a nice juxtaposition between the first and third stanza. In the first stanza, you establish acceptance in tedium ending with 'sighs of relief'... But then the third stanza alludes to potential revolt? But I'm not so sure if the scythe is just an imagining, an interlude, a release from mundanity though imagination, only to return once again to the 'symphony of settlement' and 'good enough' chorus?

I'm not so sure about the 'fresh, fleshy fledgings'? What were you trying to convey there (not that everything has to have meaning and significance haha)

And lastly, I love the irony in the line 'Lest we miss something new'

I had a lot of fun responding to this poem :)) Let me know if I completely missed the point of the poem

2
Bored_LyronOP•

Thanks so much for the feedback! Really glad you enjoyed. To answer some questions:

-"fragile calm" was intended to convey the idea of commercialism/capitalism and celebrity worship as an "opiate of the masses". I wanted to show that it's a tense, fragile situation, that people are kept in check and held back from personal expression by these things, if that makes sense.

-It's latin for "Prime Meridian of the dead spirit". Intended as a follow up to the line about the equator. I read and write latin somewhat proficiently, and i decided to experiment with it in this piece.

-I intended the scythe to represent the overwhelming, godlike power of the commercialst system, cutting through the ceiling and appearing godlike and unstoppable. I also thought that since scythes are associated with death and the grim reaper, it would be a fun juxtaposition to "vox dei" (voice of god)

-with "fresh, fleshy fledglings" i wanted to emphasize how young the people indoctrinated into this system are, especially by contrasting it with "menopausal mothers"

I REALLY appreciate the in depth feedback you've given on my poems. About to go respond to your comment on my other one! Thanks so much and I'm glad you enjoyed!

1
manicfaerie•

ooo I see now! Even more cleverly crafted now that I get those phrases. That's awesome how you know a bit of latin. How long have been learning latin for? Do you speak any other languages? Learning latin is on my life bucket list

2
Bored_LyronOP•

I'm in my third year- I'm a junior in high school and it's the language I opted to study. It's certainly worth it, it's a fascinating language. And I don't speak any other languages.

1