Source
zerofeelslonely•

I wish it was a little more specific, but if it is sufficient for you to express it this way, more power to you.

1
SmoothMarbleOP•

Tripolet has only 5 original lines to work with. I did struggle to cram meaning in there.

1
emojo_jojo•

It seems a case of YMMV, but reading it aloud, I almost prefer it without the repetition at the end. I really like the wordplay though.

1
SmoothMarbleOP•

It's a tripolet. I do see what you mean though.

1
emojo_jojo•

It's been quite some time since I 'studied' English and poetry so you'll have to forgive my ignorance. I suppose for me, it's the rhyming structure. I read it aloud again. Going by the lines (and I'm sure you're already aware of this), it's ABA, AAB, AB. Or maybe it's ABAAABAB. That said, of course it doesn't have to follow that structure - I'm just a bit pedantic. Or maybe that's how triplets are meant to be, god if I know. Still really like the wordplay.

1
Megaanduh•

I think you could swap out the line "at the death of june" and make that a line that has a little more of the meaning of the misfortune. I enjoy the structure of the triplet with the repetition.

1