Source
r/OCPoetry•
eiwox

the storm to be (she)

Feedback Received!

trigger warning: to be safe, there are mild allusions to self harm, body image issues, depression etc.

grey skies
and downcast eyes
the lost girl
leaves a trail of
silence and half-lies
in the hopes
that she’ll find
salvation
before the storm
arrives

she has already tried
drawing maps
on her arm
to help her navigate
the cold black nights
but she could never
find the way
before the cross-roads
faded into jagged lines
that mark her skin
with rods of blinding light

and sometimes
she chooses to hide
because she doesn’t want
anyone to see
those thunder-thighs
or for them to know
she only feels beautiful
when she tries to survive
on portioned wind
and the thunder relocates
to the romanticised abyss
under her quivering ribcage

poor ‘sheltered’ girl
who paints fake smiles
when boys assume
and girls criticise
because she doesn’t want
anyone else to build a leaky home
out of self-doubt and desperation
and still feel the need to apologise
like she does
so she quietly collects raindrops
in the forgotten corners
of her turbulent eyes

the problem is
today and everyday
the forecast is for sunshine
so she tucks the dark clouds
into the back of her mind
and prays for everything to be fine
please don’t let the tempest strike
tonight

Would love to get some feedback on this piece.

I personally don't like excessive rhyming but on the other hand having clunky parts is equally bad and I see clunky parts in this poem that I haven't been able to clean up.

Out of curiosity, to the other poets out there, is flow/beat/rhyme a top priority as you write, informing your decisions or if it is more of a concern for the editing process?

Thanks guys.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/53r3sx/the_island/ https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/53qh49/carved/

Posted Sep 21, 2016, 5:44 AM UTC

912
Ww9475•

Several lines throughout that I not only thought were great but had a draw--pulled my reading through the rest of the piece. Appreciate the way the piece is structured, gives me the sense that each block of text can be taken as a unit so their totality is more expressive than it would be otherwise. Perhaps the 'clunky'-ness which you refer to, (I suffer from this as well), is caused by use of adjectives in proximal lines ? That's hardly a large worry though since, overall, it hangs together nicely.

In response to your question, flow is of importance to me while writing though rhyme is usually not. That's a personal preference though rather than a general rule, as is obvious. I try to get as organic as possible in the process, editing (later) is an afterthought, if at all present.

Great work and look forward to other submissions.

2
eiwoxOP•

thank you for this thoughtful reply & high praises, will continue trying my best haha

2
AsphaltApostle•

I think I'll leave with some new truth about my own anxiety, which is pretty profound.

compositionally though, this is beautifully impeccable. you've got that ability to spend real time on the arrangement without ruining the honesty - even adding to it, which will always be impressive to someone like me, who's only technique involves prodding my intellect occasionally and waiting for mostly good to fall out.

Thank you for sharing this.

1
eiwoxOP•

aw that means a lot, thank you

2
dadsasse•

I love the flow of this piece, has a linear feel and draws on the heart.

1
eiwoxOP•

thank you I'm starting to think I might have been too harsh on myself about wanting my poems to flow perfectly, glad you didn't read it as clunky

1
Alerion-Boi•

I find this post very profound, the flow is great. You did an amazing job.

1
eiwoxOP•

aw thank you :')

2
kschultz242•

I love the motif of rain/weather that you have running through this. To me, the rhyming doesn't detract at all. One thing that I think would make the poem stronger is re-wording a couple of phrases that feel slightly tired/cliche, like the opening "grey skies". Your phrase "on portioned wind" feels so inspired that I'm sure you can find a more evocative wording to begin with.

Try to describe the way you want grey skies to feel to the reader. Are they uninteresting? grey because there's just no light to them? Are they flat and expressionless, like a blank stare? Or more menacing? I hope that's a little bit helpful.

Overall, this is really great! Keep writing.

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
eiwoxOP•

ah thank you, yeah I do find myself relying on some cliches here & there and it has been pointed out to me a few times as something I should work on.

I will definitely try think about that more! Thanks for your feedback.

1
aussiepoet•

nice work mate, this piece really moved me. i could really tell that there was a lot of truth in it. i could tell it was very real.

1
eiwoxOP•

appreciate that, thanks :)

1