Source
r/OCPoetry•
Anviltank

My shell

Feedback Received!

I picture myself in a dark room
Surrounded by fear
my thoughts are a premiere
Of my life to come
I Reach out into emptiness
A fleeting silence and yet
A noise that screams at my insides
A place that only my demons reside
I can't even move
If I try I fail
If I scream it trails
it comes back because I'm screaming at me
Am I standing here or am I free?
Do I choose to be here
Or do I stay out of fear?
I can't get my mind to be clear
So I sit and wait.
My own padded room
Building myself up in a personal tomb
my shell.
My own living breathing hell
I can't fall anymore because I already fell
Rock bottom doesn't symbolize
I can't even socialize, as I improvise
what it would feel like to not be victimized by myself

I can't just wave a white flag
it's not that simple
when I lay in bed and my impulses dwindle while im starting at a wall
Well, My brain gets stuck in the middle
Everything I do just adds to the riddle
It's not just that I have a mind of a skeptic
I have a mind like a detective
And this is not my objective
To take what I know out of perspective
To take what I love and make it ineffective
I just can't stop it, my brain has a different objective
It's objective is to slowly tear me apart
It wants to me to act with my brain not think with my heart
Even though I feel it pulling
I pull away
Because the logical part of me always has more to say
It's so much easier to listen to my brain
Even if it leaves me lying there in pain
I'd be lying to myself if I didn't do it out of vain

Vain, A self centered emotion
The thing that helps me build up my walls of devotion
But devotion to myself and my misery
My misery that clouds and corrupts my memory
My memory that's a curse of never forgetting what hurts
But always forgetting what it felt like to be desired
Always feeling tired
Downing caffeine so I could stay wired
Spending my time alone
Whispering corruption
While I take part in my own destruction

sleeping is a luxury that comes with terror.
if it comes at all
some nights I lay awake staring at the wall
wondering why god won't take this away
why my thoughts have to curse me
if I once was blind but now I see
why do I only see darkness

Infernal demons write my internal thoughts
Echoed silence rattle through my brain like gunshots
My own white room
Terror that has lead me to my personal tomb

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/54bohr/sensory_overload/
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/54911z/knowledge_brings_what_wisdom_sings/

Posted Sep 26, 2016, 3:52 AM UTC · edited

79
RoyalxSavior•

This is great, as someone who also struggles fighting themselves this really hit a nerve. Personally I don't like the vain, a selfish emotion part, it took the flow away for me. I'm not really sure what you can do for that though.

2
Mesrour•

I think I understand the vain bit, in that it's about seeing yourself as miserable and wanting it to stay that way and have others perceive you as miserable, much like vain people see themselves as attractive.

1
RoyalxSavior•

I can see that, it's kind of a breakthrough once you realize it is being selfish to be self destructive. It's just hard making that connection because usually selfishness is associated with having too high of a value of yourself.

2
Sora1499MOD•

Hi there. Just letting you know that your two feedbacks weren't substantial according to the standards of this sub. Normally I'd have to lock the post until you linked two new pieces of feedback, but I'll let you off the hook this time. In the future, make sure the feedback in your links is substantial. Thanks.

1
AnviltankOP•

Thank you. I will make a better effort t provide better feedback in the future

1
Mesrour•

This poem right here resonates for me, I feel I've been to the place it depicts. I prefer my poems to be a tad more structured than this, but it definitely works to express the chaotic nature of those feelings.

1
pallid•

Just opinion based on my analysis - it's great and I really do feel for the emotions that are being shown here. Feels real and raw.

However, that might be a problem with this poem - that is perhaps a little too raw. There isn't a conceit that I can easily recognize (maybe there or I am not academic enough), and there isn't really a narrative. Rather it's just a tirade.

Similar to Howl - that's sort of a tirade - almost stream of consciousness - but with Howl - Ginsberg gives it a setting, time, place that structures it and imbues it with additional strength.

It's.. kinda too personal if you know what I mean. It might just be a matter of taste but the most powerful poems I love practice restraint. Even Sylvia Plath in her later poems uses her Father and the holocaust as a conceit and fashions it into a raw searing bludgeon - much like what you are doing here.

But otherwise I do feel for it. I am not a gifted poet or critic so take it with a pinch of salt!

1
AnviltankOP•

I feel you. The purpose was to be raw and chaotic because these emotions, these feelings are chaotic in nature for me. But I really appreciate the feedback

1
imash1•

I love this piece, it is wonderfully worded and well punctuated. But just a personal thought, line 19 could use a comma at the end after "Building myself up in a personal tomb" to bring some emphasis to that part.

1