Hi guys,
I've been trying to write a few short stories, hoping some magazine might print them. You'll be shocked to hear that none of them have so far.
So I'm posting one of them here. Tell me why it sucks. Be mean, I can take it.
For any prose deficiencies, I'd love to hear examples of how you think it could be better written.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NzP6QbU2i9aG9mgd0X6vyxzIepQbt1YAqBM49in0A2s/edit?usp=sharing
Posted Sep 29, 2016, 10:18 PM UTC
Comments in the doc are under Jef.
General Takeaway:
I was really liking this story, overall. There was tension! Suspense! A likable little pixie! Then I got to the end. THAT left a pretty sour taste in my mouth, and not because it was happy. Happy is fine. I just felt cheated, because where was the climax?
You set up the mystery of this 'exit', and the protagonist's fear of the Pixie's fate, and this unseen wraith that is consistently behind them...
And then you deliver NOTHING. Narrator and Pixie are back on Earth. Since this is fantasy and they were climbing a mountain, and the Pixie couldn't go on, this is what it made me think of:
Frodo falls. Samwise gathers him up in his arms, determined to carry his best friend those last few hundred yards up Mount Doom. He knows that Gollum lurks somewhere nearby, desperate to steal back the ring, but Sam presses forward, to end this and destroy Sauron's hope. He grits his teeth and then...he and Rosie have a wonderful wedding, and Gandalf brings fireworks.
I was trucking along, and then was very confused. I felt like you promised a scene at the 'exit', and then you delivered ice cream.
Other thoughts:
The prose is really good for the most part. A breeze to read. Though a few time you use cliches that don't fit, and I think it is because it is the easiest way to express your actual meaning.
Example: 'I hold it closer to me'
That Pixie has already been established as firmly against her chest. How much closer can you get? It seems like you're trying to express their bond, or the pro tags need for physical reassurance, but the cliche makes it fall flat, in my opinion.
' I fall down a deep ditch, covering myself in leaves and mud. '
That's her thought process? A deep ditch? And she's worried about getting dirty? She doesn't think about the pain, or if somethings broken? Or if the noise alerted the Orc? That seems unnatural. I'm sure she got covered in debris, but I'm also sure she didn't care about that fact at all, and I as the reader don't either.
I liked the flashback to how she first found herself in the world, and her reaction. Flashbacks are tricky, but it worked here. It was ok that you left is mysterious, because I just knew you were going to give me a SATISFYING CONCLUSION (see above).
I did not like the flashback to her first goblin kill. We are well into this story, I already like the pixie and their bond, and I already know her first few days were a steep learning curve. Cut this out, as it totally took me out of the story. Really this whole section of 'the Pixie all tuckered out, and then flashback time!' did not work for me. It is the weakest section, and it comes right when I am the most hooked on the 'present'. You have set the stage enough, I'm invested, now is not the time for more "prologue".
When the Pixie falls I want more showing and less telling. You offer a very short description, and then launch into an inner monologue about the future. I would rather see the Narrator hovering desperate over the Pixie, see it exhausted, breathing shallowly, whatever. You just told me the pixie is close to death, that's what I care about. The here and now. I don't want to wonder about next week back on Earth. Is the little guy ok?!?!
And then no climax... What is the exit? How does the Pixie get through with her? Why is the wraith in the background howling and never showing up? How is he not faster than them, when he can literally fly?
Also speaking of the wraith, the second time you mention him, you offer a short flashback about the narrator previously seeing one. There are too many flashbacks for a present tense story. Cut that out. Hearing the wraith is great, and spooky. I don't want to 'see' the wraith until, or if, he shows up.
The wrap-up is written sweetly but doesn't feel earned. Like I said, I liked this story, until I found out it didn't have a climax.
Anyway I hope this is constructive, because I think this shows a lot of promise. You can spin a yarn. Keep writing!
I think she's covering herself in leaves and mud to avoid being seen? That's what I understood. Maybe I'm wrong. XD
You've already got some good critiques and I don't want to repeat too much, but here's what I've got for you:
So, the first mental image that comes to my mind for a pixie is something similar to a fairy. I think you need to definitively refute that at the very, very beginning, because you're asking me to visualize the pixie against the narrator's chest, and honestly I'm imagining a male protagonist with some beautiful fairy against him. You might think the pixie being called "it" would be a wake up call, but it wasn't enough... I was just thinking that maybe the pixies don't have binary gender or something weird like that is going on. Then the fur comes in, but it's still described as blonde, and I'm thinking... "Okay, this is a little weird but whatever." Only when we start getting into floppy ears, the squeaks, and so on do I understand more what's going on.
I like when/how you introduce where the narrator is from and what's up with the gas station receipt map. That detail feels very real.
I think you could make the climax stronger by having more of a sense of guilt and that the pixie would be fine if the narrator had never shown up. Like thinking about how the pixie would be safe in its normal territory instead of on the barren hillside, if not for the meddling of the MC. Otherwise, we get it, the world is hopeless, how does anything live there, good thing for the Pixie that the MC happened to come through to save it...
You mentioned in one of the critiques wanting to show the progression of the relationship with it -> him. That could work if done correctly. The problem is that you start out the story calling the pixie it at a point in their relationship when they're cuddled closely together, and then flash back to earlier in the relationship. We don't see the progression in a linear way, so it doesn't really make sense to backtrack into it. Also, I don't even think you're consistent within your text -- you go back and forth between it and him.
Left my comments as Yvette in the doc.
I think you're too wordy in places, the style is stiff but it works. The real problem is you repeat not just words but ideas far too frequently. Explore the idea once and then only repeat it if there's a good reason.
Thanks for doing this, I appreciate it. I think I agree with pretty much most of the points you've raised. Some of the repetition problems are the result of my worry that in a fantasy story, people won't understand this strange new world if I gloss over things too quickly.
The style is intended to be somewhat stiff. I don't know why, it just felt right to me. I normally write in a more natural 3rd-person-past-tense, but for this it just seemed right to do it differently (e.g. it's a deliberate choice that there are very few apostrophes in the story). I'll consider it a failed experiment.
To answer a couple of the questions you raised:
This lost me a little bit. At first it seemed like the narrator was interpreting the pixie's foot tapping. Then the narrator seems to have figured this out by sight.
Yeah, the intent was that the narrator does not see the danger, but is relying only on the foot tapping. Perhaps I've badly worded it.
I definitely have too many "its" in the story and not enough referring to specific entities. I can see how that could be confusing.
Consistency--previously Iskin has been 'it'.
Oh well spotted :)
I went back and forward with this when I was writing that part. I tried changing all references to be 'it' but it seemed somehow out of place after doing so. It seemed right to me that the bond would change over the course of the adventure from an impersonal 'it' into 'him', but perhaps that's a bad approach.
It seemed right to me that the bond would change over the course of the adventure from an impersonal 'it' into 'him', but perhaps that's a bad approach
This makes a lot of sense, I think the reason why it didn't work is the narrator seemed plenty bonded with the pixie to begin with.
The style is intended to be somewhat stiff. I don't know why, it just felt right to me. I normally write in a more natural 3rd-person-past-tense, but for this it just seemed right to do it differently (e.g. it's a deliberate choice that there are very few apostrophes in the story). I'll consider it a failed experiment.
Well, you've taken away from this I think that I had a problem with the stiffness of the writing. Let me be clear--I didn't. The stiffness works fine, and in some places it's stark, which I like. You can be stiff and a little wordy without overdoing it.
Hope that helps!
Thanks!
#First person viewpoint
First person viewpoint is great tense to write in for several reasons:
You can trick the reader. Because the reader can only see the world through the eyes of the perspective character, you can show what he or she perceives, and then when he or she discovers something new, the character and the reader experience that moment of discovery together. Plot twists, surprising yet inevitable villains or heroes. This fact wasn’t taken advantage of in this story because there was no opportunity for it to shine. We never find out where she actually is, the true nature of her, the pixie, the cave, or the land is never discovered, there’s no antagonist, and the only discovery is a little map on the cave wall that smells like Dues Ex Machina or at least convenient for the story to have some sense of progress.
The personality of the viewpoint character carries the story.
Being in the mind of the main character allows you to make good jokes inside his or her mind and show detail or what details stand out to him or her. This story leaves no room for jokes or light heartedness, but how she uniquely views the world she’s in would have been more enjoyable to read. The girl was a blank slate, the details were kind of cookie-cutter, and her reactions to everything were very flat; she thinks the pixie is cute, she thinks the monsters are scary, she’s cold, she walks, she wants to get back home, so on and so forth.
No offense, but the main character in this story didn’t have a personality. None. As bland as can be. Taking her in any direction would have been more interesting. She’s basically Snow White, making friends with the magical woodland creatures for no reason, gasping and running away at danger, and never surprising us. It’s like a robot tried to write a story about a human and didn’t want to take risks or creative licence and so it just showed us her in the cold being cold, facing scary things and being scared, and cuddling with cute things and being cute and cuddly.
#How did this story come to us?
The protagonist tells us this fantastical story of being swept off into a cold, yet magical land and coming back with a Pixie, but not wanting to tell anybody because they wouldn’t believe her… but somehow we get to hear the story?
You know what would be good though?
a) If she was going to publish the story in an attempt to try and find anyone else who had experienced the same thing in an attempt to find a way back and return the Pixie to its world because it was sick.
b) Or if she was getting old and was worried her pixie friend would be alone and this was the note explaining how the pixie came to be on earth and encouraging her niece or whoever inherits it to take care of it.
c) Or she’s a shut-in recluse and doesn’t have man friends in her house, but her one friend comes by often and so she tells her the story and then shows her the pixie to have a confidant in which she can share her secret.
#Cliché lines
In an effort to sound more grand and epic, you have used the following phrases:
… which rustle and moan as if suffering like I do.
Without it I would have perished long ago.
I have so much I would ask of it.
This world is dead. Perhaps I am too.
This scrap of paper is all that guides me forward.
The only guidance I have on my next stage is to journey west, through the valley south of the two peaks.
… yet in this world the shadowless grey light removes any trace of joy.
…I would have died today at the hands of this ungodly beast.
…of what manner I do not know.
I will not die this night.
I do not like these. They sound pretentious, and you transition from normal verbs and sentence structure into more grandiose and archaic when you want to make a point beautiful, but that’s just my opinion.
#No goal/obstacle
Okay, that’s not entirely true, there are the obstacles in the way like goblins and orcs and the goal is to get back home, and we are following the map, but these aren’t very good goals or obstacles.
You know what would be good though?
If we knew more detail about the map, if we knew what the markers were, if she actually struggled to find them Maybe got stuck somewhere for a couple days, trying to find a cliff edge or tree or castle, only to discover it looks just like the picture, but it’s very small, or upside down, or only can be seen by the light of the moon, or she has to answer a riddle to pass the guardian, or her pixie friend helps her find it, or something…
Or if the obstacles looked nice like old ladies in the woods that turn out to be witches, or man eating snow bunnies, or juicy berries that make you sleep for weeks. Maybe the things that look dangerous are actually nice and helpful. Maybe the obstacles in her way have to be overcome with team work and friendship and cleverness or something that shows she has a brain or her relationship with the pixie is more than just cuddling and feeding it.
Or even just normal struggles that she would obviously have to deal with. What is she wearing that allows her to be outside in the cold without shelter for 40 DAYS STRAIGHT without dying from exposure? What does she eat and drink? Does she go snow blind? She lit a fire with a cigarette lighter. Does she smoke? Because going 40 days without a smoke would have an interesting effect on her since it’s a very modern earth thing in a timeless fantasy world. Wouldn’t a scene with the Pixie trying to figure out why smoke is coming out of her be funny and cute?
#Final thoughts
In the end the ixie was half the size of the goblin? That threw me way off, I thought pixies could use a thimble as a hat, this thing is huge.
Pixie likes dandelion leaves. Hey, that’s cool, that’s something you made up that gives a fleshing-out detail to your magical world. I like the fact that this particular pixie has food preferences. It makes it seem more real.
In the beginning she says something like, ‘If this isn’t winter, I’ll die when the season changes.’ This is probably the most thought provoking concept in the entire story. This is a golden nugget among all this dross. It is just a random thought coming from her, but it shows so much. This shows that she realizes she’s in a different world and that it is fundamentally different from hers. So different, that the summer there might have snow and the season changing to winter would be super extreme. This is a fantastic little line, I like it. I think you can gloss over the deatails in a lot of things if you have details about trivial things that give the illusions that the entire world actually exists.
Menhir, yeah had to look that up. Kind of obscure.
#You tell more than you mean to when you write
If I were to take a WILD shot in the dark and guess that you were—
-Female
-Under 30
-Caucasian
-Like cats more than dogs
-Often felt like you gave more to your friends and loved ones than they gave back
Would I be right? Why did I assume that from your writing? Are you okay with me assuming that from what you wrote?
Thanks,
Perhaps you're right that there is very little of the actual hero's character coming through. I'll bear that in mind.
Menhir, yeah had to look that up. Kind of obscure.
Well now you've learned something :-)
I figure it's the writer's right to slip in one obscure word in every thousand.
If I were to take a WILD shot in the dark and guess that you were—
-Female
-Under 30
Wrong on both counts.
-Like cats more than dogs
Not especially.
-Often felt like you gave more to your friends and loved ones than they gave back
I don't think so.
Would I be right?
No.
Why did I assume that from your writing?
I have no idea.
Are you okay with me assuming that from what you wrote?
It's your right to assume anything you like, I don't mind. Just seems weird to make such a big deal about it. Certainly it was a deliberate choice for me to hint at a female protagonist.
Hey,
I read the first two or three pages. If you want advice, then, I mean, the writing is fine. But you have to own the story more. u/ajrivers gave good advice in terms of how to approach the protagonist. The writer is as much a part of the story as everything else. Their thought processes have to be plausible. This often feels like snippets of something the protagonists might write, paragraph by paragraph. But not a corehent whole. Again, if the "writer" here tries to embellish the story, or be overly dramatic, or overly verbose, or not focused enough on a single given task in terms of what they are relaying, then the reader picks up on that, and the suspension of disbelief is gone.
This often reads like a dream they are relaying, because (s)he feels very emotionally disconnected from the events.
Focus on the story, not the "writing" of it. It feels like every sentence is trying to "tell" me something about the story, as opposed to just "showing" it to me, i.e. allowing me to enjoy it more immediately. Example: The exposition really isn't that needed, it would be nice to be in the moment more. The context can be a mystery
Just something more, something random about the setting, and the pixie (the descriptions of it were interesting) would be nice. Something random happening that might be of no consequence. Something more about the dynamics of their relationship.
This also seems like a scene about someone trying to survive a dangerous territory. Focus on this aspect; what they do in terms of trying to survive (from moment to moment) and what the stakes are for failure (maybe the protag is OK with dying as long as the pixie lives).
Hope this helps, sorry this isn't a more detailed critique.
The usual first question:
A lot of exposition/description and vagueness in the beginning.
Since so much of the story centers on the pixie, it might be useful to spend a paragraph describing the creature in detail. One approach may be to collect all the parts where you mention its anatomy [eyes, ears, belly, feet, etc.] and give a paragraph near the beginning to paint a complete picture. That way, the reader will have a reference for the parts as you (re-)describe them later. It could be useful to describe the pixie in contrast to the grayness of the world as well, if that fits your vision. There was also a small surprise when the Iskin (the pixie) is described by as having a gender near the end of the story.
I want to think the pixie is cute. ;) But at first, it's a bit hard to see.
A tiny word replacement note: you use "little" when the word might be "few".
It might also be useful to more firmly locate the story in time. At first, I thought the plot took place in a medieval world, but it's actually closer to modern day (?).
Chronologically, your story actually starts here -- and this is a great place to begin:
There was no warning, no action I could take.
There's a lot of repetition about:
Your writing edges a bit into melodrama at times (the crying, the pleading for it all to stop, etc.). That might be your style, but there is a deeper question: does the main character have a goal? "Escape" isn't a goal. What is she running towards? Back in the real world (or in the hell-world, even), what does she want so much that she must get back to it?
Perhaps showing a progression of the harsh environment's effects on main character's condition would be effective. How is she "dying", literally, aside from being tired and scared?
Overall, I like the sense of repetition that you used. It might be a worthwhile exercise to try repeating concepts while changing the wording. Instead of "scared" or "dying", try depicting it in actions and outcomes.
Repetition is tricky, though. One tactic is to be ruthless -- cut out everything that is mentioned more than once. Then add back only the parts that feel like they're missing and essential. Your story will be shorter. The pace will be faster. And you might notice that different areas can be emphasised to say more with less.
I liked the story overall -- your use of time was great, as you used "story time" rather than chronological time. That lent a sense of anticipation to the events, and gave them the feeling of revelations. As a reader, I can tell you put effort into putting the pieces together, and that feeling of trusting your writerly guidance is essential.
Your prose style is well-developed and the title was good, too. The title could be longer or more metaphorical, perhaps (alluding to the events to come), but it's fine as it is. If you go one step deeper in refining the story itself, the title's metaphorical power might grow, too.
Good work. Take one step further and this story could go from pretty good to pretty great. ;)
First impression:
You may want to consider changing the title: I don't think it has much 'oomph' to it, and while it does tie in to the beginning (which I will get to, later) I don't think it's really that impressive. It's not really an especially original/punchy title, either.
IMO, a better place to start with might be the fifth paragraph. It immediately conjures up a sense of danger and that the pixie is an ally in this dangerous place. I'd say that purring cat is also a borderline cliche, and it's also a bit difficult to visualise (heartbeat is like a purring cat? So a long, slow sound? An irregular sound? You don't describe heartbeats like that!)
The pixie itself. Firstly, I find it an interesting choice to call the pixie 'it'. That immediately dehumanises who seems to be the protag's only 'friend'. I'm also curious about what food the protag has to share (and how it was obtained, because most 'normal' humans suck at gathering food if they were thrust into the wild). Likewise for the water. In fact, why would the pixie need to rely on some random human for any of this? Aside from a whim, it doesn't seem to make sense that the pixie needs the human for anything.
Why does the pixie suddenly become a he? I still don't understand why this pixie decides to help a random human (p.s. I'd like to know more about this cut across the arm, as one of the leading causes of death in wars is infected wounds - not like our protag has access to anti-septics).
And the goblin... another fine opportunity to world-build. Is the goblin sentient? Part of a pack? Wearing clothing? Nope. Just a generic, Always Chaotic Evil animal. If you're building up to a twist where the protag was suddenly sucked into a super generic Dungeons and Dragons/RPG game, then I salute you, but if not...
Setting. The distant cries of a wraith are cool, as it immediately indicated the protag knows what wraiths sound like, and oh, by the way, wraiths exist. A bit more grounding would have been nice. Is it snowing? Dandelion leaves? Oaks? If this is set in a fictional world, it might be better to avoid using all 'known' plants altogether. 'Dandelion-like' is fine, but calling it an oak tree makes me question if this is set in the real world or not.
The flashback to day 1. Yeah... I don't really need to know this. I'd say the more you explain, the less effective the magic becomes. It's magic! it doesn't need explaining! Not that your explanation really explains anything. It's just 'poof'. Also, the 'ruins of Treryn' bring up so many questions. What's the point in a name? There seem to be no sentient creatures in this story. How would the protag even know when they arrived? How would the protag know what was west? (not like she has a compass or she could use the stars for guidance, right?)
Wouldn't the pixie just have gone home? He survived before this, so surely he could survive after the protag. I dunno.
In summary:
I'd focus on adding more meat to this story - there's some nice stuff here, but what kind of world is it? It is an over the top evil monster world? Or is utterly otherworldly (pink sky, red snow, I dunno, that sort of thing?) Add more details to reinforce that and ground the reader. Do the same for the character and pixie. Especially the pixie, since I'd argue it's the main character. Why does it help the protag, defying every biological imperative? If you don't want the pixie to talk, at least have a scene where she stares into the pixie's eyes and tries to understand it better, to guess its motivations.
I think that's it for me. I agree fully with what AJRivers said, too. Sorry I couldn't be more positive, but you know what kind of subreddit this is.
Hope this feedback helps you :)
Thanks,
There's some darn fine points made here.
To defend myself a little (hell why not): West is where the sun sets. You don't need a compass :)
I wasn't sure the universe followed regular celestial planes :)
Kidding. You got me on that one!