The Universe, Her Palace,
She holds it in her hands
Lightly like it is a thread.
Buoyant cloud, that universe,
Spiralling around her palm,
Churning the memories,
Of lives lived before her time.
Stars floating,
Galaxies watching
Silent spectators
Drafting her every move,
Judging her every moon.
Leave it and the universe will drift,
Unlike her who will be left there to wilt.
©thedishevelledwriter2016
Posted Oct 3, 2016, 5:23 PM UTC · edited
The piece is pretty cool, one thing I noticed immediately is something I tend to like, which is the use of 'that' as a signifier of something specific and immense. The only real issue i have is with lines like "Lightly, like it is a thread" are weak rhythmically the best advice I could give you in that regard is shuffling the words around aloud until you find a way that sounds better that you feel retains meaning. "Judging her every moon" is an excellent phrase (one of those kinds I tend to want to steal, haha) Thanks for posting this I really enjoyed it.
I'll take your advice and work on it. :).. Judging her every moon is also a great find for me as well. Although initially I just randomly though about it.. and wrote it down. I searched for the meaning & figured it fits perfectly with what I need to say. Thank you so much :)
By the way what is this form of poetry called ? I wrote it in the spur of the moment based on a picture
I believe it's called ekphrastic. What picture did you write this about?
http://66.media.tumblr.com/8aa795530baf487cb0fa37a639e49f19/tumblr_oclh92l70q1tylr0uo1_1280.gif
Although.. I later found out the picture means something else completely. These were the first thoughts I could pen down as soon as I saw this.
The poem was based on this picture http://66.media.tumblr.com/8aa795530baf487cb0fa37a639e49f19/tumblr_oclh92l70q1tylr0uo1_1280.gif
The meaning I wanted to put forward with this poem. It can speak of anyone. The universe is anything they hold dear to them, their passion, dreams, people. Or it can be a sum of all those things. Why the feminine form. Usually, universe, earth and the like are referred to as feminine. The whole poem is the figurative comparison of a person's life to the galaxy.
##Positives The imagery in the poem is very good, as is the pace.
I really like the ideas in lines 4-7, of a hand churning cloudy universe/ancient lives and memories.
Comparing stars and galaxies to "silent spectators" was also a great choice.
I also like the last two lines. It makes me think of some tragic one-sided romance.
##Critiques Lines 1 and 2 initially confused me. Who is holding who? I think it would add a lot to the clarity of the poem if you were to place an "is" between "The Universe" and "Her Palace." I am also wondering about the capitalization. I don't understand the choice to capitalize the words in the first line but leave further mentions of the Universe and the "She" of the poem lowercase.
Line 3 is awkward to me, specifically "like it is a." I think it is because no matter how I read it, I always want to stress both "it" and "is," which causes me to stumble from the previous stressed-unstressed pattern (I'm not sure of the proper terminology).
In line 4, I would replace buoyant with a different descriptor, as it gives me the image of an object rising through a medium, which I don't think is the image you want.
In line 11, the word "Drafting" doesn't make sense to me.
The last line seems a bit wordy. I would change it to "Unlike her, left there to wilt," or something like that.
##Closing Hope this helps. Despite the uneven ratio of positives to critiques, I actually really like the poem as a whole and the images it evokes. Keep writing!
Thank you so much for your valuable advice. I will definitely look into it and work through some changes.
The poem was based on this picture - If that gives it more clarity http://66.media.tumblr.com/8aa795530baf487cb0fa37a639e49f19/tumblr_oclh92l70q1tylr0uo1_1280.gif
The meaning I wanted to put forward with this poem. It can speak of anyone. The universe is anything they hold dear to them, their passion, dreams, people. Or it can be a sum of all those things.
Why the feminine form. Usually, universe, earth and the like are referred to as feminine. The whole poem is the figurative comparison of a person's life to the galaxy.
I wanted a pause between The universe & her palace. Although Like you said , The capital was unnecessary.
Drafting- I will change it
the last line- It is actually a great suggestion.