Source
r/OCPoetry•
yungkunt

untitled.

Feedback Received!

2nd proper poem attempt! done in 5 mins haha

alone, standing on nothingness  
a speck is spotted in the distance  
years go by as she wonders closer  
my heart thunders harder with every step  

finally i see her, clear as night  
her dirty blond hair parades around  
her thin, freckled, perfect face  
my world had stopped completely  

my mouth opens and closes  
my eyes wonder up and down  
my throat freezes the vibrations  
that create noise which drowns out  

she passes with the smile  
that kills a million men  
i pursue in an strong trance  
only to find our souls buried  

6 feet under, dead.

1 2

Posted Oct 11, 2016, 6:39 AM UTC · edited

23
Spazznax•

Ever the truthful lament of unrequited love. You do an excellent job representing the curve in poem form. It builds up so gradually, that feeling of hope growing like a light in the distance. It builds to a climax and then suddenly a hint of darkness is punctuated by a very stark shattering of the illusion. Well done indeed.

My advice would only be to work on some of your language, at times it's fantastic

finally i see her, clear as night
her dirty blond hair parades around

but at other times it borders on cliche

her thin, freckled, perfect face

I would just find some good metaphors to fill in the gaps, find ways to not just list features. Toward the beginning you start quite a few lines with "my", and while certain uses of repetition can be effective you want to be careful not to just list off thoughts.

Other than that I believe you may have mixed up the words wonder (to ponder something) and wander (to move aimlessly), though that may have been intentional. Also in the last line there is a typo "an a strong trance"

In all it's a great idea that could use just a little nurturing, keep it up and thank you for the read!

2
yungkuntOP•

thanks for the feedback!!

1
SanHoser_•

I really like the atmosphere that this writing gives off. It's very romantic language with this sort of ominous vibe(or at least that's how it feels to me anyway). This poem could go a lot of places for a 5 minute poem. I think the best thing you could do with this work is elaborate on some of the 3 stanza. "my mouth opens and closes" "My eyes wander up and down" "my throat freezes with the vibrations that create noise which drowns out"

Elaborate upon that. Clearly this is about seeing a girl you like. What aspects of seeing her cause these things to happen. What specifics make your mouth open and close? What makes your eyes wander? What about her causes your throat to freeze.

I feel like you could take those three lines and make them each the start of a stanza of their own.

Other than that, I really enjoyed this poem. (Also, please come up with a title for this because there are a million poems called untitled. <3)

1