Thanks! Yeah everytime i read it i get caught up on 

And if I show you,

this psychotropic ride

Just don't believe

everything you breath


and i really don't know how to make it flow better. Im gonna take your advice for the fourth stanza for sure.


The rhyme and rhythm of this piece gives it a particularly quick pace. It's not unlike a rap song which suits the subject matter quite well. One criticism is that some of the rhythm doesn't flow perfectly so it might be worth just revisiting a few lines. It stands out when a section is moving quite quickly and then the transition to the next line isn't seamless and breaks up things a bit much. Often it's just  case of removing or adding a word to improve it and for something like this I'd say rhythm is more important than minimal use of words.
    
    Because girl,
    I would take
    Everything from you,
    just for a ride or two 

For example the last line in the above stanza would be snappier without the "just" in it. This is just my opinion obviously and I'm in no way qualified to give advice on this kind of things so take it with a pinch of salt. 

The breaking of the line count for the 6th stanza is particularly nice and adds emphasis to it. Personally I'd put that stanza at t

Thank you! Yeah, i have no idea what to title it, hopefully something will just pop out for me at some point in the future. Its funny you picked that stanza, as its actually what i started with. It was a poem by itself that i wrote for a project in high school (6 years ago) that i found a few weeks ago, and i just kind of played off it until it turned into this. 

I really thought this piece had a song-feel to it. I could totally hear the first or the fifth stanza as a chorus. I thought it even could be a rap, because of the lines 

> Because girl, // I would take // Everything from you, // just for a ride or two

Not sure how I feel about the title, but I'm not a huge fan of making up titles myself, so go ahead and ignore me.

I liked the subject, but thought that the piece kind of danced around. There were some great lines though and the second stanza is my favourite.

Wikipedia: "Humanities are academic disciplines that study human culture..." That was the confusion for me.

For what it's worth - I really liked this. When reading, I read it as an intentional misuse, with nice double meanings. Obviously the line means on a base level 'eaten alive by humanity's hedonistic tendencies.' But by saying it as 'humanities hedonistic tendencies,' it could mean eaten alive by the study of hedonistic tendencies; or even eaten alive by a self-serving narcissism that can be found in those that study the arts (which opens the door to multiple interesting interpretations of the poem in general).  

Yeah my girlfriend said the same thing and i said that i liked it anyway, because the suffix is the same as tendencies. Haha and i'm gonna change it because now it just seems pretentious as fuck... Thats what getting multiple feedback sources is for though right?

I think you're very right about the first part. I'm definitely going to be editing this a lot based on everyone's comments! The gun hole was the trigger in my head, if that makes anything clearer.

I love the title game! This one is a little tricky, but what comes to my mind is something along the lines of 'Adam's sin.' Your poem is about a simple base level of humanity and does have a direct reference to the Garden of Eden. 'Adam' here in the title is just a substitute for man in general. Along the same lines, 'Cradle of Man' also came to mind, which would have the bonus of the imagery of man holding a woman - while still hearkening to man's beginning, but 'Adam's sin' seems to more faithfully stick to the tune of the poem. Just a thought!


&nbsp;


On more of a feedback note, these lines: 

>Rollin around in

>blood, sweat, Amphetamine

>All we care about

>Is Psychoactivity(s)

I struggled a bit through this portion of your poem. Rollin around in blood? I thought we were talking sex here? Maybe spotting but *rolling* in blood? That just really shook me. The poem lost a bit of relatability here for me, and I'm not sure if these lines add much in ways of content or emotion to y

...I'm replying to what you said. There didnt seem to be any feedback in your comment other than "i dont like this".

I'm not sure how that changes anything I wrote. 

It's not so much about drugs, as the behavior of someone in love mirrors the behavior of someone addicted to drugs. I mean, take away from it what you will, but i don't really see the feedback here except "this is bad and obvious, stop making it bad and obvious", while you don't seem to actually grasp what I was talking about. So maybe it wasn't so obvious?

Eh, this is not my cup of tea.  

While poetry about drug use might be *topically* interesting to some readers, I find that there is very little to enjoy about a piece that says everything it means explicitly, as most of these drug-themed poems tend to.  

Give me some *poetry*. Let the text say something *beyond* the prosaic meanings of the sentence. Give me [Howl](https://m.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/howl-parts-i-ii)!   Give me [Kubla Khan](http://www.online-literature.com/coleridge/640/)!  Hell, give me [Peyote Poem](https://m.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/peyote-poem-excerpt)! 

This? This is just prose.  Kinda boring.  Easy thumbs down (or at least thumbs sideways) for me. 

Thank you, and thank you for reading it! 

I love this! It's very quick, snappy. It flows well, and I relate to it a lot. Thank you for sharing!


Simple as serotonin

We're only oxytocin

Chemicals run rampant 

So don't call it emotion 

&amp;nbsp;

Love, that disney fairytale

Simply infatuated friends

Because lust will fail

And on lust, love depends

&amp;nbsp;

And if I show you,

this psychotropic ride

Just don't believe 

everything you breath

&amp;nbsp;

Because girl,

I would take

Everything from you,

just for a ride or two

&amp;nbsp;

Pumpin serotonin, oxytocin 

Runnin rampant on emotion

Rollin around in

blood, sweat, Amphetamine

&amp;nbsp;

All we care about

Is Psychoactivity(s)

&amp;nbsp;

We were given

The garden of Eden

Eaten alive by humanities

Hedonistic tendencies

&amp;nbsp;

We were imbibed

By an entity, bribed,

From our own pocket

We looped a fingers gun hole

As our own arm cocked it

&amp;nbsp;


[1](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/577jd8/blank_space/)
[2](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/576lc6/the_bell/)


Haven't decided on a title, maybe "Indulgence"? Feedback appreciated!