Ghazal of the Forest (rhyming is hard)
[deleted]
Posted Oct 14, 2016, 5:20 AM UTC · edited
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Ominous-Band, maybe? Something a little darker, near the 6th stanza. Say something like "Defined by sounds lost in the Ominous band" or something of the sort, it's your poem, but that's something I was dying to hear! something to do with sound.
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Unfortunately that wouldn't fit the meter.
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truh
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Actually only the first couplet of a ghazal needs to rhyme, the others can do as they please. Still, I think the rhyme enriches this piece.
This piece is intriguing. It feels aggressive, tribal, almost primeval. Interestingly you begin with the narrator's death and described his return to nature. Then, you move to describe how men can hold dominion over nature if they find the "right bolts" which I assume is an allusion to lightning and thus fire. The tone is heavy, foreboding, and intimidating throughout, much like the wild was to ancient man.
As far as critiques go, I would consider changing the title. "Forest" is a disarming word when describing the wild. It makes one think of bunnies, deer, fungi, and shafts of light oozing through the trees. You want a word that evokes pine trees, bears, campfire huddles, starvation, and the glory of the hunt; you need a harsher word. I think either "Hinterland" or "Woods" would work fine here, though I would choose the former due to the latter's Judeo-Christian mythic connotation. This is very much a pagan text, the Devil has no place anywhere near it. I would also consider using "winterland" in the very first line. One runs the risk of evoking "winter wonderland" connotatively but we have enough context and the metrical scheme is foreboding enough that that connotation is dispelled. It also evokes the starkness of life before civilization, which is something missing here so far but I think would enrich the piece greatly.
Overall, great work, this is a very good ghazal.
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Thanks, I'll def change the title, I think you're right about that, and I'll look at winterland (although it makes me want to write a cycle). Thanks for taking the time to look at it!
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The rhyme scheme of ghazal is odd. The rhyme is the last foot before the refrain, not at the end of the line. So it's something like
aB
aB
x
aB
x
aB
etc.
Where a is the rhyme and B the refrain. Of course many English Ghazal ignore the rhyme completely.
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noted, I may have to push through a bit of almost ghazals to get that right.
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For the most part, the rhyming is good. It feels like a fairly coherent chant. As others have indicated, trying to expand the rhyming beyond the "and" would be a real enhancement, such as with "mint or sand."
Much of your word choice is good here. Terms like "clay" and "canopy," I think, give the poem a rugged, nature-like vibe, which seems to match the narrative you are asserting here.
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multiple rhyming syllables with this scheme and meter would be effectively impossible for me (especially if i want to retain any coherence), but I will try to enhance the sonics somehow.
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It's not impossible. It will just require you to take more time in choosing your words.
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okay
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This is a really interesting form. Think I'm going to give it a go myself. Really enjoyed this poem. There's a very earthy feel to it. Often people's poems about forests and nature can feel a bit saccarine sweet or overly joyful but this is a much more mucky woody kind of poem and it's smashing.
One critique I'd like to mention. In the second stanza:
Beneath the greeny canopy, my hand
has clutched the ancient root of hinterland.
Greeny sounds a bit childish. Leafy may work better than greeny and it still keeps the meter.
Overall thought great effort. Kudos.
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Thanks! As Sora pointed out the traditional form doesn't have this AAAAAAAAA rhyme scheme, but i cotinued it in the second one to push my rhyming further. greeny is a word I used because Williams used it and I should probably exchange it, thanks!
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winterland, splinter and, mint or sand, thinner than, sinner man
I would very much like to see this used.
Not sure if it's okay to comment this here, but I tried...
Something at the bottom of my glass—mint or sand?—
flows sharp across my tongue; I down my mojito and make for the hinterland
of your body—your shirt against my shorelines, far thinner than
the fingers curled around that sift/caress of fine silt-glass—touch me, sinner; man
the sails, and carry me into the breaking waves: that blissful s
p
l
inter, and—
Glad you found something to do with .it or sand, because I couldn't figure out an even close way to put it In this piece.
thanks, it was fun! :) (and I wasn't trying to take over by commenting or anything, but it seemed like such a fun little challenge that I couldn't resist taking a stab at it)